I have a friend who has been saying she’s a virgin.
Even though she’s not.
Not by a long shot.
I’m kind of stunned by the realization that I’ve had lots of friends over the years who were really ashamed of sexual choices made along the way and so rather than owning up to it – they lied. Either by claiming virginity or by lowering their number.
I totally get that shame and familial/religious expectations come into play but owning your truth is incredibly empowering; after all, living a lie is exhausting. It’s a kind of self-inflicted silent torture.
I understand there are cultural considerations that come into play, and I find myself unable to make judgment calls for women in potentially dangerous situations. For instance, in some parts of the world the mother-in-law will go so far as to look at the sheets on the wedding night to make sure there was blood. (Which is actually a lousy indication of virginity as it turns out since not every woman bleeds.) The point remains, that if she doesn’t bleed then her marriage is likely to be annulled and her life could even be at stake.
Anyways, this whole situation got me thinking about the dichotomy modern women face – because for so long a premium was placed on virginity that I think that ideal still haunts many women. The desire to fit the fantasy then leads to fudging on the # of partners, or even claiming purity that doesn’t exist.
In high school and college I saw this play out time & time again – female friends of mine made a big fuss out of keeping their sex life under wraps so they wouldn’t be branded a bad girl. At the end of the day, my feeling is if you have to hide it than you probably shouldn’t be doing it, because shame + guilt are not supposed to be part of the package.
The first step to being accepted by others, is to accept yourself. When you find that peace you won’t settle for anything less than someone who will love you – the real you.
If you knew a friend was being dishonest, what would be your response? (Mine has been to tell her I think she should just be honest – but I won’t make that decision for her by telling him).








At first his gulps are audible but his rhythm slows down as he settles in to the bed, knowing there’s really no rush.




