Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

So.. two days ago I had left my purse on the train, and after 48hrs the police was like theres no way youre getting it back and youll prob have to spend some extra time in Berlin in order to get your passport situation sorted out.

I was def stressed throughout the conference with this constantly in the back of my mind. Id been praying that things could just work out somehow in my favor so that I could at least get on the plane on time because I was quickly racking up how much this could cost me financially and it wasnt looking very good.

Keith had called a guy from church here in Berlin and last night he came to the hostel Im in and handed me 60euro ..like over $100 .. to make it through some of the fees, etc… that alone amazed me… it was truly the global network of believers working together to help someone out.

Anyways we made plans to go to the airline today and get my plane ticket reissued.. we got there and the lady at Turkish Airlines was like, are you esther? i was like .. uh yah.. and she said .. someone came in and brought your stuff.

After some bureaucractic stuff I got to see it…. ALL of it was there, the cash, the camera, the ticket, passport… I mean everything! Wow. Im still in shock.

Anyways now the crisis has ended and Im on my way back to Amman tomorrow. Im so glad, I missed it a lot. I def had some serious culture shock coming to Germany .. I didnt realize how diff the societies really are until I went from the conservative one to the ultra-liberal one…. woah … what a shocker!

Well Iäm writing from my hostel in Berlin… the last two days have been crazy. Yesterday on the way here I left my purse on the train .. losing my digital camera, passport, residency card, return plane ticket, ATM card, my money .. and my toothbrush… of course I tried to get it back .. but no luck. I cried a long, long time.

Things are better now .. motions have been put in place.. I had a copy of my passport emailed to me so I have ID now .. and I was able to borrow some money from some great people Keith knew in the city .. .. sigh … such is life… Tomorrow I should get some arrangements figured out, I may end up here a few days longer, depending on my passport situation .. its looking good though ..

Having something stolen makes you feel so violated, like why cant they just turn it in… oh well … at least its just stuff …

Everything is good .. so dont worry … I contacted the police and the embassy knows someone else has my passport….. plus with my Syrian stamps, no one would get very far without being interrogated anyways … hehe ….

Anyways gotta go .. the conference is good … I got to hang out in Berlin tonight and see the place where the Berlin wall was torn down .. pretty amazing stuff … =)

Happy Thanksgiving!! I know its only 1am on Thanksgiving morning so everyone is probably still asleep there.. by the time you get up and dressed our thanksgiving will be ending though.  

It doesn’t really feel like Thanksgiving, which is okay.. it will once we all get together over at Keith  & Christi’s … like 4 families, plus all the single folks are going over there for a huge turkey feast – and this year they were able to get turkeys into Amman on time for the actual day! It’s awesome.

Yesterday I was supposed to make a Thanksgiving meal for my host family, but it didn’t happen. I feel like I should vent about this to get over it .. yesterday my ATM card refused to work .. and without any money its hard to get anywhere… so I was getting pretty upset. My friend Carrie was with me and owed me some money so we were able to put the groceries on her credit card and it worked out alright. It was a huge fiasco trying to get all the ingredients.. and finally after an hour/half I was on my way home with 5 bags of groceries for this meal. I got up to the second floor where our apt door is and I could already smell that they were cooking something inside. When I walked in I realized that Zuhair’s (my host dad) family had come over. Nisreen had decided to cook dinner for them. I felt really hurt.. mostly because I knew she wasn’t telling me the whole truth. Granted, she didn’t know that they were coming over.. she said she made dinner because they didn’t want to stay long. Well first off, Arabs ALWAYS want to stay long.. and secondly, they rarely come over because they live in a village almost 2hrs away, so clearly they’d be there til very late.

I abandoned my groceries and Thanksgiving plans feeling pretty sad about the whole thing. I had been so happy to share something from my culture with them.. and the real reason it didn’t happen was cuz she didn’t know if they’d like the food. We didn’t end up eating for 2-3hrs, and of course they stayed until late.. and I had spent the last of my money & a lot of time/energy for nothing.

Today my ATM card is still not working – so something has to happen cuz I’m leaving for Germany tonight …its been a pretty frustrating ordeal. Not having access to my money is a really dispairing feeling.. like being lost without a way home. I know it’ll work out, but since the banks in the states are closed for the holiday it probably won’t get fixed until sometime next week when I get back to Jordan. *sigh* Oh well…

Anyways I really am so excited about Thanksgiving… I think it’ll help to just forget about the last few stressful situations which is good.

Sorry for my website not working – my credit card expired and I’m still waiting to recieve my new card… it’s a whole nother fiasco in and of itself… anyways as soon as I get it my website will be back up & with all new photos, etc. =)

One last thing: a few days ago I went to distribute some of my family’s zakat (the 2.5% Muslims are required to give) to the poor people in their family. I went to a far-removed cousins house a few miles away from our own.. The husband had died over a year ago leaving his wife and five children with basically nothing. The oldest boy (14 or 15yrs old) works as much as he can after school trying to help support their family. They live in a TINY.. and I mean very very tiny apartment. They have one bedroom and also use the family room as a bedroom.. and the living room comfortably only seats maybe 5 or 6 people its so small. It was the poorest family I’ve ever seen… and sitting there in the plastic lawn chair they use as furniture I realized how many things I have to be thankful for.. and what a responsibility I have to bless those around me who don’t have what I have. What good are expensive clothes, cars, etc .. if people next door can’t feed their children? I clearly heard a voice inside say, “she represents all the widow you’re to love” .. thats what we’re all called to do – do we truly love her? I don’t think I do.. you know what one of my first reactions when I sat down was? “Man this furniture is so dirty, I hope this stuff doesn’t get all over my jacket.” As soon as I thought that I felt so ashamed.. I don’t want to be like that ever. I’m changing in so many ways here – I want to be like clay .. I’m not always, but I keep praying to be made into someone less like me and more like the One who was so selfless, in life and in death. Its really been an eye-opening experience – sometimes I feel like life here forces me to see myself .. the real me… the greedy, selfish me.. and once I’m confronted with such an ugly image it pushes me to really change.

 I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving with lots of turkey, stuffing, etc…. Remember to be truly thankful – that means demonstrating it to those around you. I love you all and miss you in a special way today, but am so happy I’m here.. despite the chaos I sometimes encounter.. its worth it all. 

Happy Holidays!!

So… an update is needed on my quest to figure out my post-graduate plans. After researching and listing every possible grad school in the states that offers International Relations, emphasising the Middle East .. the list was pretty small. I felt really good just by listing what some possible grad school options were and putting them down on paper… small victories are the ones that count. =)

Anyways I went through and started charting out important things like admissions requirements, cost, location, etc. After putting in .. I dunno.. at least 8-9hrs between two days – I came up with this bright idea of asking someone for help. I’m taking a class entitled “International Relations and Diplomacy in the Mid. East” .. and the prof is only two years out from his PhD… so I was like “I should ask him about schools specializing in this since he must’ve gone through the same painstaking process of trying to locate a good program.” I eventually made it up to his office to talk to him about it.. and within 15mins he was handing me the postgraduate prospectus of the school he went to – the best school in Mid. Eastern Int’l Relations prob in the world. …. dun dun dun ….. The Univ. of Durham

Now right now you must be saying to yourself…. hmm… thats funny – cuz I’ve never heard of that school…. Durham..? Where is that? …. Well nice of you to ask that – I never would’ve found the school or program myself because of my short-sightedness….. its in England.. northern England to be exact. The last 3 days I’ve spent reading everything I can about the program, school, etc … its really an amazing school. I can’t say for sure that I’ll end up there – but right now its my #1 choice on my list … not just because of how excellent the program is, but because it allows for post-grads to spend time back here doing their research which is awesome. And.. get this – its almost half the price of the schools offering such programs in the states.

Anyways I just thought I’d share that cuz it was exciting actually making some progress.

I finally got my ticket today to Berlin, Germany. I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not – but about a month ago I had applied for a scholarship to this conference in Berlin hosted by Americans for Informed Democracy( www.aidemocracy.org ) a non-partisan organization aimed at promoting int’l awareness to Americans…. anyways I applied, then made it past the interview .. and was offered a scholarship to join them in Berlin for Thanksgiving weekend… so Fri at 4:30am I’m leaving for Germany! Its really crazy how things work out that you never dreamed would… I applied mostly on a whim thinking, well if I get it then its meant to be .. if not, no biggie… and now I’m really excited to go and make some great connections and learn some good stuff. =)

Anyways I need to go read.. I’m obsessed with this new book I bought yesterday… its called the Seven Daughters of Eve – its really amazing. I stayed up til 4am reading it last night. The top geneticist in the world talks about how his research with DNA lead him to the realization that almost all Europeans can unequivocably trace their ancestry to one of seven women ..whom at the end of the book he gives fictional names and lives as a way of bringing them to life. Anyways most of the book is taken up by his story & the research itself… which I normally wouldn’t like – but its a really fascinating, and fairly easy read. So I gotta go finish it =) … ma’salaama

Today essentially no one was at school. Most of the international students are still traveling, so UJ felt a lot like a ghost town – with one of my classes only having three students show up. Most of the American students are in Turkey, Egypt and Lebanon right now .. so I’m a bit sad that I came back for today and tomorrow’s classes since we’re not really accomplishing much.

Anyways .. this morning I was pretty sad and homesick. I had a dream that I was in the room next to XA .. and I could hear Jamie strumming on the guitar .. but I kept getting tied up with things I had to do and I just couldn’t make it … in my dream I finally was able to go and as I ran to open the door to see everyone I woke up.

Its funny that a dream would affect me, but it did .. just the feeling of being so close to my bestest friends .. and XA, which is such a huge part of my life … I duno, it just made me sad.

I feel like right now I’m on the verge of the rest of my life. It’s this weird sort of stress I’ve placed on myself that I need to know what I’m going to be doing in the future so I can be purposeful in what I do right now and next year as I prepare to graduate. The realization that time is flying by has hit me pretty hard. It seems unbelievable that next week will mark 3mths here!

It might seem silly that I’m stressing out already about graduating .. but I have to apply for grad schools not long after I get back to the states – which in reality means I need to be looking at them right now … and in order to figure out which schools I’m interested in … I need to know what field/direction I want to go … which will dictate the rest of my life essentially. *sigh!* What a mess.

I’m torn in three directions – and since I’ve begun this dialogue with myself right here in a public forum, I will continue my through my current thought process. Options (in no particular order) ..

(1) Go to grad school and get my masters in ____? Maybe International Relations or Middle Eastern Studies …. I really can’t imagine studying anything else after being here – this region has totally captivated me and my interests have completely shifted to this region ..  I’d seriously like to look at options of living here in the future – maybe for the foreign service, an NGO.. who knows

(2) Go to law school and study Int’l Law or something along those lines .. once again .. I see myself learning more and opening doors for a future career overseas.. I’ve also always been fascinated with politics and law school is practically a necessary step if headed that direction

(3) Seminary .. I’d totally dig spending time really digging into theology, etc .. but my big hang up is it worth 3yrs of my life if I don’t see myself heading in a pastoral direction? My hunch is probably not.. and the more I look into & think about it .. the less I feel like thats where I’ll end up.

(4) Internship .. in D.C. theres a program at the Middle Eastern Institute I’d be really interested in doing – it’d be a hands-on way to interact with ambassadors/officials from the region .. and see exactly how the processes run, etc

Anyways …. that all amounts up to too many choices for my little brain to process. Its something I’m going to be thinking long/hard on .. in a couple of months I need to take the GRE (grad school entrance exam) and if I decide to go in the direction of law school I gotta start studying for the LSAT asap. *sigh, again*

Time is so short and precious – I want so badly for my life to count outside of my little box .. as cheesy as it sounds, I really want to be the best I can be… I want to leave a good legacy that I’m proud of – not in the way of material possessions, but in the way thats lasting .. by positively affecting other people & their lives.

Everyone is so different & is gifted in such unique ways … I can see how diff people who have entered my life radically changed me for the better, and I really wanna be that person for others… Anyways, I should stop rambling now, but at least I was able to vent a bit =)

Thanks for listening (rather, reading) hehe…. see ya