Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

So there are only a few hours left of 2004 … and I figure I outta get one more blog entry in before the year ends.

Carolyn & I got back from Israel/Palestine today.. well actually yesterday – we crossed over at the southern border and stayed the night in Aqaba after visiting with some of my host family that lives down there.

Our bus ride from Jerusalem to Eilat was VERY interesting to say in the least… It’s hard to even know where to start or end because I have so many stories I have to choose from each day.. or else this blog would be enormously long and no one would read it. So here goes….

At the bus station is where I’ll begin..

We had arrived early enough to get some breakfast at the station. While in line I noticed a middle aged couple speaking with a New York accent, and after they heard us struggling to order they approached us and struck up a conversation about where we were traveling to and from. They quickly let us in the know that they were “what some call settlers”.. and that they lived in a community of 110 families far out (meaning one of the most eastern settlements in Palestine). They were extremely sweet people.

They talked about how they were Jewish and had moved there five years ago and had since learned Hebrew … After chatting awhile they insisted on giving us all their digits so that we could come and visit them .. they said, “we have tennis courts, and a pool and everything.”

I’m quite curious as to life out there.. when we told them we lived in Jordan they were reallly shocked. They asked us if we had to live on compounds because of the danger. Although their settlement is only about 20-30km from Jordan they had absolutely no information about it, and when we described it as a safe place, fully equipped with McDonald’s and Mecca Mall they were honestly awestruck. This must’ve gone against everything they’d heard.

Hearing their angle was good for me. It’s easy for me to lose sight of the fact that on both sides there are good people who honestly feel they’re right in what they’re doing. I really want to better understand it all.

After that encounter we boarded the bus heading south. We stopped at one point down at a resort on the Dead Sea to let some people off and found ourselves in a sea of American tourists – feeling so different and lost. They were all chatting away, wearing bikinis and excited to be tanning and floating at the same time. Carolyn turned to me and said, “I really just don’t fit in with them anymore.” And I couldn’t have agreed more. My world has changed a lot.

Anyways we got back on the bus and thats when the most insane thing happened. The bus was overcrowded and some people were standing or sitting in the aisle as is customary… when all of a sudden an Israeli woman flings open a Palestinian’s coat and starts screaming, “He’s got a bomb strapped to his waist…HE’S GOT A BOMB!!! .. He’s a terrorist!! Someone stop him!!”

Granted, I couldn’t understand Hebrew but I could see thats what she was talking about by her frantic gestures and all the commotion stirring up. I leaned over to a woman across the aisle and she confirmed my suspicion…. she was saying he was a suicide bomber.

It was hard to see what was going on .. but the bus was still moving, even though she was still screaming.. and the few glimpses I caught, the man looked really confused and stunned.

Within a few minutes the rest of the people on the bus had calmed down and people started explaining to me that she was just crazy and saying that because he’s from Gaza (aka he’s an Arab).. and he was the only one on the bus so he was an easy target to humiliate.

She never apologized and just continued for the next 30mins to an hour.. talking about how she had saved us from the terrorist (who was just a normal guy riding the bus). Others told us that its a way to keep the Arabs off the buses – by having people show how low they are .. she was basically just trying to get him kicked off.

I was sooo appauled. Right there in front of me was a guy my age being persecuted because of his ethnicity. It was like stepping back in time to the days of blacks being made to ride in the back – but maybe even worse.

I felt so terrible for him … he had to just continue to stand there in the midst of it all and she was never even punished for it – she could just do whatever she wanted and he had to take it. It’s difficult to put into words just how horrible of a scene it was .. Carolyn & I wanted to go and apologize to him for the woman since no one else seemed willing, but we never got the chance before he got off the bus.

Carolyn later told me her life flashed before her eyes when she heard people saying he had a bomb… it didn’t happen to me, I dunno why..it just seemed strange – I simply had the thought, “is this how I’m going to die?” … and thats about it.

It was one of those surreal experiences that I doubt I’ll ever forget. It’s a good thing I had met that cute couple earlier in the day to counter that woman on the bus, or else I think I would’ve left with very few good things to say about the people I had met on “the other side”.

What can I say about 2004? It’s been radically life changing … my entire world seems to have shifted upside down … The whole planet seems to have gone mad … and yet more than ever, I see a hope – shining through the dense darkness .. a light .. more powerful than all the bad and wrong .. stronger than the hate and violence … a love … deeper than the ocean and higher than the skies above … It’s real … more real to me than ever before .. and I finally see just how desparate humanity is for true love, true compassion. The whole world – the one without distinctions of race, religion, gender, socio-economic status, location, etc.

This year I keep hearing questions in mind ask…Who is willing?? ..Who will be with them, and comfort them, and clothe them, and feed them?? ..Who will love them??

I’ve decided … all my ambitions are pathetic and useless if they don’t positively affect the world around me .. if I’m not someone who loves others then I’m not fulfilling my life’s purpose, even if I achieve great success. I’m willing .. whatever that means … I am. My New Years resolution is to learn how .. to get better at loving, both the loveable and the seemingly unloveable.

“And though I can tell the future, and understand all the mysteries of the world and have all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could perform any miracle – even moving a mountain; yet if I don’t have love, I am nothing.” 1 Cor. 13: 3

I hope you all have a great holiday … Happy New Years!!

It’s 7:21am and I’m sitting in a little ice box of a room in the hostel again .. figured I could write something before I left town. Carolyn and I are the only ones left, Liz & her mom had to go back to get her mom on the plane in Amman.

Yesterday we wandered around some more .. stopping at the Church of All Nations which houses the Garden of Gethsemane. You can’t actually walk through the garden because its all manicured and theres an iron fence around it.. but it felt like the most real section thus far. There were 8 olive trees that are 2,000 years old that “testify to Jesus’ prayers the night he was betrayed” … we all really loved the trees…. these big ugly things that have seen empires rise and fall .. its pretty amazing stuff to think about.

We also finally made it into the New City (& the Jewish Quarter) … I didn’t expect it to be SO nice.. but the Old City (Arab & Christian quarters) is like night/day to the New City – everything about it … it could be found anywhere in Europe or the states… even the way shops are set up, and shopkeepers approach you… its just so western and strange in comparison to what I’m used to now.

We kinda got lost for awhile and were needing to meet back at the Damascus Gate in the Old City and stopped a few guys walking past to ask if they knew how to get there. One of them said, “No, uh… I don’t know that I’ve heard of it actually.” ..and the other said [quite disgusted by the question], “Thats over in the Arab quarter.”… and the first boy looked up surprised by that and then turned to us and said, “Well of course I don’t know then.” Carolyn & I just sorta looked at each other bewildered.. and realized how real the division was in the city.

We eventually wandered across into the downtown area of Jerusalem to find the central bus station which was sooo far away! We had to book our tickets to get to Eilat (beach town on the border with Jordan).. so that we could cross over into Aqaba, Jordan this afternoon to visit my host family – that’s where Nisreen’s family is from.

On our way back from the bus station we got lost again and this time ended up walking through the ultra-orthodox Jewish neighborhoods. I’ve honestly never seen so many in my life!

All day Carolyn kept comparing our experiences to being at Disneyland.. she was saying.. everything feels manufactured.. and somehow fake… its like going from fronteer land to adventure land, etc. as you pass from different sections of town into other ones. Like at any point you should be able to just stop and pose for a picture with “the hasidic Jew” or “the Arab” or “the Armenian priest”, etc. .. its all very weird.

As the Old City shut down at sunset we started making our way out when an Arab shopkeeper came up to us asking us to visit his shop. We weren’t interested and like we said to hundreds earlier, we said, “no thank you.” He turned around and said, “Look… I’m a person too.. I’m NOT going to eat you.. and I’m NOT a terrorist!”

We were really taken aback by that.. and I quickly told him we didn’t think that, but you could tell he felt we didn’t want to go to his shop because we didn’t trust him. We both talked about it later and felt so bad for the man that he feels as if thats how foreigners see him.. its truly unfortunate. Apparently some of that may stem from the fact that many tour guides are warning travelers not to go into the Arab quarters because they’re dirty, unsafe and you get ripped off.. so business isn’t doing very well and people are getting more desparate.

Anyways we’re heading out now to go get some breakfast and then heading south. =)

So after waiting in line for about an hour to get access to this computer I feel as if I should have a lot to say.. but now I’ve kind of lost most of it. Anyhow…. I’m currently at a hostel just outside of the Damascus Gate (in the Old City) of Jerusalem. We arrived this afternoon without much fanfare… getting through the border was realllly simple and quite efficient actually.

The painful disparity between Israel & the West Bank was terribly real as we drove through areas with dirty tents & shacks in one valley.. while on the next hill was a settlement with beautiful houses looking like a snapshot out of any American suburb. Carolyn asked, “Where do you think those people (in the tents) came from?” … and Liz answered, “Well ..they bulldozed part of two villages recently.. maybe thats where they’re from.”

Once we got to town the day became mostly a time of wandering around the Old City’s souqs (markets) .. and just hanging out seeing different holy sites.

We walked the Via Delarosa (the route Jesus took while carrying the cross).. and found the world in which he lived so far removed from all the vendors and noise and calls to prayer .. that it was hard to imagine the scene that is so emblazoned on my mind from the Passion.

Being here is such a strange experience… its just like I imagined, and yet nothing like it, all at the same time. Having been around Jordan & Syria I’ve realized that seeing ancient sites is much different than I’d thought before… most of the time its just a bunch of rocks and you have to use a wild imagination in order to conjure up any resemblance of what it was once like – and Jerusalem is no different. …. and yet it is different….

I went to the Church of the Holy Seplucre .. and was fairly overwhelmed by it all. At the end of the Via Delarosa is the church .. standing where other more ancient churches once stood to honor the site believed to be the location where Jesus died .. and the rock that tradition says his cross sat on is able to be seen and touched (or kissed) by pilgrims.

The church is mostly maintained by the Greek Othodox, although there is a small portion controlled by the Catholics…. the sheer number of icons is not even fathomable. As soon as I walked in my breath was taken away by all the hanging lanterns, shrines, alters, candles, paintings, mosaics, etc.. its a crazy place to be honest. Somehow it just doesn’t even feel like a place Jesus died (not to say it isn’t true)… its just hard to even picture a hill, or the tomb,.. or anything without all the ornate furnishings that are now there.

I noticed one thing that seemed a bit strange, not necessarily bad, but just kinda unbalanced.. Granted it is the place people think he died and there should be solidarity… but there is nothing in the paintings or in the demeanor of the huge church that shows the resurrection – which was the highlight of the whole story. I duno.. I guess thats something I’d wanna change if I worked there. =)

Anyways…. onto another topic… I also visited the Wailing Wall (the remnant wall of the last temple, and part of the temple mount: on top sits the Dome of the Rock & al Aqsa mosque).

I really hadn’t expected much… and I’m not sure quite why, but the thought of seeing a bunch of hasidic Jews praying didn’t really do much for me. I figured it’d be cool to go see though. However, I was extremely moved… in fact… to tears which is fairly out of character.

While standing in the women’s quarter I hopped up onto a chair in order to get a better look of the men’s side, which seemed much more active & vocal in their prayers. One man in particular stood out to me… in greyish sackcloth he was fervently rocking back & forth, leading a group in prayer… literally wailing & crying out to God for his people. I became mesmerized and couldn’t stop watching this man… so fervant .. so unfaltering .. so passionate.. and so broken. It was as if he could not stop if he had wanted to – his sorrow rooted in the deepest part of his being. What he was praying specifically about I do not know… but I know seeing him really touched me – as if for a brief moment I was able to feel some of his agony.. his pain.

What does that mean? I don’t know… .. it was so unexpected… yet remarkably moving.

I think its really easy to become hardened to the situation here between the two sides of the river.. but right there I suddenly saw the humanity – the reality that both mourn for their people.. both cry to God for help, for an end .. for peace.

There were soldiers all around … it seems most Israelis I saw today were soldiers in fact… all young, maybe 18-20yrs old .. carrying huge machine guns .. and part of this ugly, brutal cycle. Here at the wall they stood… machine guns and all.. rocking… praying .. and reading Torah.

It was all just so strange.

It feels as is the world has gone mad sometimes. We talked amongst ourselves as we left the wall that neither side is willing to recognize the other as fully human .. always depicted as monsters. Yet line them all up – the Jews, the Christians & the Muslims from this part of the world … and they all outwardly look the same. Often looking like they could be from the same set of parents – yet totally unrecognizable to one another.

I often wonder if I say too much .. I wonder if my thoughts are too hard to follow as I recount them & write them here… I really want people to see the struggle.. the process I’m going through trying to understand this situation, as well as myself as I encounter all this. I wanted to change my banner to say “Real Life: Unscripted” as a way of explaining what this blog really is for me. Its a way to let you in to a very real journey – my life – without borders ..

So thanks for reading and for trying to keep up with this crazy ride. =)

salaam alaikum.. (peace be upon y’all)     Well now that the holiday season is over with I’m planning on trying to get out more.. I’ve spent an excess amount of time hanging out at my new apartment and with my American friends lately – not that its bad, its been great.. but its time to do some traveling! =)

I actually wasn’t planning on going anywhere until this weekend .. Chivon (the girl I who went with me to Syria) and I are planning an adventure in the West Bank/Palestine.

Today my roomie Chrystal rented a car and we’ve been driving around the city allll day long. Tomorrow she leaves for London to meet her family for Christmas, and I’ll def miss her while she’s gone.. even though I guess part of the time I’ll be gone too.

However, about 20mins ago I was on the phone with Liz & she’s taking her mom (who flew in from the states for Christmas) & Carolyn to Jerusalem for two days.. and invited me to join them.. sooo after about 3 secs of deliberation, I decided yes. =)

This will be my first trip through the West Bank… and I figure it’ll be good to go with someone who knows and get some stamps in my passport for this weekend when Chivon & I make the trip so that hopefully we won’t get harassed as much by border patrol.

I’m actually reallly excited… going to Jerusalem has been a dream since I was a little child…. the place where so many pivotal historical events took place that have shaped the world and three major faiths, including my own. It’ll be an interesting experience I’m sure… I feel like a child I’m so giddy about it.

Anyways I still have a ton of things to do today before packing my stuff up… we’re leaving around 7am to take a taxi to the border.. and then it’ll take a couple of hours to pass through the various checkpoints to go the 45km or so to the famous city.

I’ll take some pics and blog about it later…

So I’m totally finished with this semester! Yay!! .. Things have been insane lately… all the last-minute things that go along with ending the semester. Most of the students in the exchange program are only here for a semester and have begun leaving to go back to the states. It’s a strange feeling saying goodbye to the people I feel most connected with.. its as if part of my is being uprooted again as well.

I’m doing surprisingly well though… I’m not overly-emotional about being away from home for Christmas.. I’m happy about being here, and excited to get to know the new students who will be arriving at the end of January.

I was invited to be the research assistant for one of my professors over the holiday break.. so I’m beginning that this week. He originally wrote a 3,000 word article on Israel’s foreign policy changes post-9/11.. but is wanting to expand it to 7,000 words – which is where I come in. It’s a really interesting topic, and he’s a great professor to work with…. plus… if all goes well, he wants the next paper to have my name on the forefront of the article – and he’s willing to pull some strings to help me get  published! Although I never saw this coming.. its an exciting chance to do something few undergrads get to do.

In other news… I moved. After a lot of talking, thinking, praying, etc. I decided to move out of my host family’s house at least for the next 6-7wks.. but its very possible that I might not go back. As much as I love them to death, I didn’t have a whole lot of time for myself & I lived quite a distance out of town making it almost 3JD ($5.00) for a one-way trip to school or to anywhere else in the city – that is a huge expense.. and with my internship next semester and just everything going on.. I’m not sure that being out there is the best thing for me.

Thankfully they totally understand and I’m still going to visit them all the time.. I miss them terribly.. but today when I went out to visit it had a really good feel to it – and I just know that right now this is where I’m supposed to be.

I’m living about a 15min walk from the university.. and I’m in an apartment with two girls, Wendy and Crystal.

I hope everyones holiday season is going great.. its possible that we might have a white Christmas! (the first I’ve ever had).. It is sooo cold here (-7C).. and apparently snow is on the way.

Merry Christmas! Talk to y’all soon. =)