Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

Things have been really piling up – I feel like I’ve been away from blogging for a long time, even though I have left a few messages here & there … nothing very solid … nothing deep … just surfacey notices of what’s up. I’d like to be able to make up for that right now, but I’m just swamped with all the things I need to do in the next couple of hours.

The new students came in from the states last night. There are 8 of us who were hold-overs from last semester who are doing the exchange program again, and there are 22 new students. It’s pretty overwhelming trying to meet & greet all these new people who have a million and one questions about living in Jordan. I can’t blame them – that was me not long ago.

The thing with my Dad is going on .. they moved him to an assisted living place so that he could have a nurse around 24-7, which is a great thing. I’ve been told that he’s in high spirits and is feeling comfortable with everything that has happened and just feels ready to go whenever that happens – whether its sooner or later.

Part of me is still in shock. It’s not like he’s going to die tomorrow, but there is nevertheless a sense of loss already. Afrerall – he’s my Dad .. and he’s supposed to be there .. I want him to see me graduate next spring … to walk me down the aisle someday … I want my kids to know their grandpa … and yet, it doesn’t seem like that’s God’s plan for him.

He’s lived a long life, and has done all the things he really wanted to do .. and has seen us all grow up… He says he is ready …. but what if I’m not? ..

I feel like I’m talking as if he is already gone, and I shouldn’t do that – I still have time left with him .. I know I’ll hear plenty more of his terrible jokes .. and get lots more of his gentle hugs … I just can’t help but be a bit sad about the whole thing. What can I say? .. I love him.

The other day I went over to Keith & Christi’s for lunch after church. Keith asked me to say the blessing, but their 3yr old daughter Dani cut in before I could start … she said, “Jesus, please make Miss Esther very happy .. her is needing you.” .. We weren’t even talking about anything .. it was very unexpected, and very true. It’s funny how wisdom can flow out of the mouth of children without them even knowing it.

I’m excited for this semester. I feel good about it, and look forward to getting back in the classroom to learn lots of new Arabic and political stuff.

I got to see my host family - they’re back in town and it was so wonderful to go and play with Lojain again.. they’re reason enough for me to want to come back to Jordan someday.

Well I need to go work on my article for this week’s Barometer.

Ma’ salaama

Since my family has been here I haven’t had as much time to write…

I found out recently that my dad is sick again … they found cancer in his hip and liver … they hope for 2yrs, but liver cancer is typically 6-12mths lifespan ..

My brother emailed me to tell me.

I don’t really know how to feel about everything .. part of me feels like I should just be able to accept it – he had colon & kidney cancer .. and a heart attack, all within the last four years… but it just felt like that was all over – he’s been so healthy lately .. it just makes me feel guilty that I can’t see him while he’s in the hospital and while he goes through chemo/radiation again ..

Anyways.. thats all .. I need to go now.. 

I hope everyone is having a good week .. and I’m really excited for Alisha & Jamie - they found out they’re gonna have a baby which they’ve wanted since they married last fall… They’ll be great parents

I’m currently in Jerusalem…

My mom, my sister Trish, and my sister-in-law Kristy flew in on Wed night. They all really wanted to come and see Jerusalem so here we are..

I have an article due so I really can’t blog much .. just to say that it’s been pouring ALL day long …

I got to see the Garden Tomb for the first time, which was really amazing and beautiful.. it gave me a better idea what exactly it would’ve looked like when Jesus lived & died.

Welp, gotta jet.

“And I’ll take with me the memories

To be the sunshine after the rain

It’s so hard .. to say goodbye .. to yesterday.”

Thank you Boyz II Men for capturing my feelings this afternoon as I write this blog. I didn’t realize how much I’ve really grown to care for Chivon until there she was saying goodbye, on her way back to America. Since being here I’ve realized how often one has to say “bye” when you’re living overseas. People are always leaving, and new ones always arriving – its quite a revolving door.

Generally speaking, back home the only times I had to really say my goodbyes would be during holiday seasons when special guests arrive/depart, and at the end of the school year when everyone goes their separate ways for the summer. They’re rarely permanent-I might never see you again-goodbyes though .. and those are the worst kinds and I’ve already made at least 20 of those in the last month.

I already dread leaving. I feel like this is my home, and these are my people. How do you say goodbye to that?

It’s this strange dichotomy because I sincerely and sorely miss people in the states… and yet I just wish that they could all be transplanted here.

As the taxi I was in drove further away from Chivon standing there with all her bags, I wanted to turn it around and demand that she couldn’t leave me – it took five months to get this close, and now who will I hang out with? Who else would be crazy enough to sleep at the Syrian border with me?

I wanted to yell, “I don’t want have to try and make another friend to replace you!” It’s tiring. Life feels so transitional.

It seriously impresses me how well adapted people become to this lifestyle. I see people who’ve worked here for 20yrs, with kids who constantly have to readjust their lives & friends. I swear they must have recieved a special amount of grace to cope with the constant fluxuations taking place around them. I pray that it gets easier.

I want to be ready and happy to go by the time its my turn.. until then, I’m just grateful that this is where I’m at .. and I know I’ll make more friends, and although no one will replace Chivon, we’ll keep in touch, and now I have an excuse to go to Chicago. By the time I leave I have a feeling I’ll have friends scattered all across the states, and the world.

It’s all about your reputation…

Tonight I went over to some friends’ house to play Risk. At around midnight, after hours of playing I mentioned I was gonna go catch a taxi to come home, and Jack was like, “No you can’t do that, it’ll ruin your reputation to arrive so late.” He insisted that he and his wife should drive me home in order to show the neighbors who I was with tonight.

This is something that I’m constantly working on understanding, and thankfully, I’m getting better at it, despite my slip up this evening.  

People in the states don’t tend to watch their neighbors with any regularity, how can you when you often don’t even know their names? People watching is practically an official passtime in this region of the world. It is so important to watch everything you do because others are paying very close attention, almost to the point of spying.

As a non-Arab woman who lives with other girls, I’m automatically viewed suspiciously and everything I do needs to be done with the utmost of integrity, particularly in the way things look from the outside.

Interestingly enough, looks are often more important than the substance. Honor crimes are a direct result of this type of policy. There must always remain a surface of togetherness. In fact, there is always a room in homes that are never used and are specifically for guests. At any time you could stop by someones house, and even if it is a disaster, it will appear perfectly together because they will usher you directly into the guest room where you’ll never be able to see the messy house.

Anyways, I just thought that was an interesting thing to take note of tonight.