Woe is me

Yesterday I sold my camcorder on craigslist. I was so excited – I cannot even explain how happy I was because I really need the money. Like – really need it.

A few hours later the woman called and said she realized it wasn’t the system she was looking for and wanted to return it.

Of course I have no obligation to do that – craiglist is like buying from a garage sale – everything is “final sale”, as-is. But, being the compassionate person that I guess I am, I said okay. What was I going to do – ignore her calls and emails? Say “Screw you! You should have thought before you bought!”?

However, I tried to accommodate her by sending her additional information and explaining how in fact, the camcorder does suit her needs and that I had given her more than a fair price.

Instead – she snapped back saying, “I want to give you your camera and get my money back.”

I have been bottling up weeks of stress about finals, money, self-esteem issues – and on top of it all, missing my Dad. When I read that – something inside me just .. well.. came unglued.

I imagined myself not showing up to make the exchange. Then, I began envisioning all the terrible, dirty things I could say to her. I gave her all the specs about the camcorder and wanted to let her know it was her own friggin fault for deciding after she bought it that she actually wanted something else.

All of this came out when Nick called. I tore into him – graphically depicting my desire for revenge. And he was disappointed in me. This only made me more hostile because what I wanted was my feelings validated, not a lecture about “lessons learned about business transactions”.

Sometimes this nice thing just gets tiring. I dislike getting my feelings hurt, or my hopes crushed – and then just acting like it doesn’t matter. I am always the strong one. But secretly I don’t always want to be strong. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even cuss someone out. And I am not over my Dad. And it tears me up inside pretending I am all the time.

I started sobbing while trying to explain it all to him. It wasn’t that witchy lady’s fault – even if I do despise her for dashing my hopes of selling my video camera. And no, I don’t owe it to her to return it, but I know that if I don’t then I will be ruining her Christmas season.

I didn’t sleep much, and I have three finals today.. but I will meet her and kindly return it. I won’t guilt-trip her. I’ll smile and be friendly. And then I’ll just walk away.

Despite everything, this morning I feel better. I can breathe, and not cry. It’s not the end of the world as I had previously thought.

I will re-post my ad and see what happens.