Woe is me
Yesterday I sold my camcorder on craigslist. I was so excited – I cannot even explain how happy I was because I really need the money. Like – really need it.
A few hours later the woman called and said she realized it wasn’t the system she was looking for and wanted to return it.
Of course I have no obligation to do that – craiglist is like buying from a garage sale – everything is “final sale”, as-is. But, being the compassionate person that I guess I am, I said okay. What was I going to do – ignore her calls and emails? Say “Screw you! You should have thought before you bought!”?
However, I tried to accommodate her by sending her additional information and explaining how in fact, the camcorder does suit her needs and that I had given her more than a fair price.
Instead – she snapped back saying, “I want to give you your camera and get my money back.”
I have been bottling up weeks of stress about finals, money, self-esteem issues – and on top of it all, missing my Dad. When I read that – something inside me just .. well.. came unglued.
I imagined myself not showing up to make the exchange. Then, I began envisioning all the terrible, dirty things I could say to her. I gave her all the specs about the camcorder and wanted to let her know it was her own friggin fault for deciding after she bought it that she actually wanted something else.
All of this came out when Nick called. I tore into him – graphically depicting my desire for revenge. And he was disappointed in me. This only made me more hostile because what I wanted was my feelings validated, not a lecture about “lessons learned about business transactions”.
Sometimes this nice thing just gets tiring. I dislike getting my feelings hurt, or my hopes crushed – and then just acting like it doesn’t matter. I am always the strong one. But secretly I don’t always want to be strong. Sometimes I just want to scream, or cry, or even cuss someone out. And I am not over my Dad. And it tears me up inside pretending I am all the time.
I started sobbing while trying to explain it all to him. It wasn’t that witchy lady’s fault – even if I do despise her for dashing my hopes of selling my video camera. And no, I don’t owe it to her to return it, but I know that if I don’t then I will be ruining her Christmas season.
I didn’t sleep much, and I have three finals today.. but I will meet her and kindly return it. I won’t guilt-trip her. I’ll smile and be friendly. And then I’ll just walk away.
Despite everything, this morning I feel better. I can breathe, and not cry. It’s not the end of the world as I had previously thought.
I will re-post my ad and see what happens.
17 Responses to “Wednesday December 7, 2005”
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Twitter: EstherCrawford
- @jeffreine that bridge gives me chills
- @jeffreine yep! and watched tv ... I'm pretty sure every night should end like that
- @soccerhaus it was pretty hilarious... then another couple came in and started making out too.. it never ended
December 19th, 2005 at 1:41 pm
on a more serious note, you are allowed to grieve for as long as you want…and you are allowed to get angry. get ready i’m quoting scripture…ps 4:4 do not sin in your anger. there is such a thing as righteous anger. anger and disappointment are not BAD feelings…they are red flags telling us that there is someting going on inside of us and we need to take heed. i think you are great, messy emotions and all. that lady is not your responsibility. you are validated, not so FAINT starlite. xxoxox
December 19th, 2005 at 1:36 pm
i always ask myself this…is it worth going to hell over? seriously, when i want to so bad just beat someone down, oh yeah, i want to. and then i think nah, i may go to hell but it is going to be something bigger than that that sends me there.
December 8th, 2005 at 1:14 pm
i agree with chelsea. sorry the lady was a bit unfair and unkind. that woulda made me mad too. you’re being authentic though – get the honest feelings and thoughts out and into God’s ears… the Holy Spirit is your comfort and guide. you don’t have to be strong all the time, because he is. xoxo.
December 8th, 2005 at 2:11 am
who gives a crap about the right thing. (says the counselor) What’s that lady’s address? I know a guy. Lanny’ll make her keep the damn camera. and like it. You know he will. Remember when he fire bombed that girl’s car for accusing Rick of sexual harrassment?
This is a breakthrough Esther. You are a good person and you’ve been stretched to the limit. Forget that Grinchy woman. In fact, forget Nick too. I can have Lanny fire bomb all the trees.
Just kidding.
If you need validating, talk with Katie. She’s the queen of validation. Me? I’m on your side. By the way, the Christmas party is on Christmas day. Call me tomorrow evening.
Hey Nick. Esther’s house needs landscaping. Be a good chap and validate her with the hedge clippers. Remember, the word date is in validate. We can all use that lesson. Write that down. I still like you Nick. Don’t make me have to give you the River Lecture.
December 7th, 2005 at 7:21 pm
ryc: I leave for Spokompton on the 22nd. Gimme a buzz tho, we may be able to hook up and do some damage before I leave. I’ll show you the monkey dance in person! (really the best way to witness it)
December 7th, 2005 at 6:37 pm
I’m really proud of you, Esther. Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks!
December 7th, 2005 at 5:24 pm
::HUG:: It’s hard doing what we know is right and it’s even harder when we have to do it in a bad mood. It’s triply hard when we do it in a bad mood AND under stress. I could always do the monkey dance for you, that always makes Ryan feel better..or laugh at me…or give me a weird look… one of the three.
December 7th, 2005 at 4:50 pm
I hear you on your conversation with Nick. He might not even realize how his responses made you feel. But hope is not lost. If you haven’t had a chance already you can talk to him about how you felt he wasn’t hearing/understanding you. Even if he disagrees with you, you can help him understand you by explaining that you were needing some encouragement and understanding, not just the feedback. Feedback without empathy can be cold and frustrating. Empathy without feedback can be nice, but both together can really help build the relationship and build appreciation and help us learn, too.
Hope finals go smoothly.
December 7th, 2005 at 3:07 pm
I say Cuss…..Cuss as much as you want….in fact yell it! Esther your human. When it comes to business, thats my bag. Craig’s list is actually like running your own business in a way. If it specificaly says all sales final you in no way were you obligated to give her the money back. I don’t think that would have been wrong, yes giving her the refund was the nicest thing to do but the other option would have been 100% fair and ok. Hang in their for finals!! it will be over soon. :-)
December 7th, 2005 at 2:26 pm
The poor guy had to deal with an emotional and irrational woman when in the wee hours of the morning – what a bum deal.
December 7th, 2005 at 12:35 pm
Gosh, don’t you hate it when he makes you think and won’t let you wallow in self-pity….sheesh. ;-) No, this is about much more than that, I know. You’re not supposed to be over your Dad. You’ll never be truly “over” it, but at this stage, you’re still learning to live with the grief and you have to be honest with yourself and the people around you about that.
And, about the video camera….no, she doesn’t deserve your niceness, your maturity and grace….but neither do we deserve God’s grace, so maybe this is just your way of passing that blessing along. Peace, m’dear!
December 7th, 2005 at 12:25 pm
I hear you, I know that can be so frustrating especially when it’s coupled with so many other emotions and stresses…I’ll be praying for you friend!
December 7th, 2005 at 12:04 pm
That would be really frustrating. I’m sure someone else will want it, though.
December 7th, 2005 at 12:00 pm
Oh, Esther. Here’s a hug over the cyberspace. I am sorry this happened. Yes, there are things to learn…. but acknowledging the stress including grief for your dad is so very, very good. It definitely plays into your emotional response to this foiled transaction.
Ahem, maybe Nick would like some encouragement from walkalongside…. since he is already a Xanga friend to me. Absolutely, the validating of feelings is essential. In any relationship that is sooooo necessary. In fact, if another can validate the feelings it helps one to let go of the emotions more readily. (Then you are able to think and allow your spirit to be dominant in the situation.) If my husband denies/minimizes my feelings or argues (plays devil’s advocate to help me see the other person’s perspective)…. well, let’s put it this way; that doesn’t work for me and therefore us. After 33 years of marriage I think we are FINALLY getting closer to getting this one down. It has been such a process… and I will choose to stop my comments at that. :)
Hang in there, Esther. Praying for you… and ready to celebrate with you when your finals and this exchange is over! “Sometimes, the best thing about something….. is that IT IS OVER!!!!”
December 7th, 2005 at 11:20 am
Being nice. It is hard. I really don’t know how to do it. I learned in seminary through being around very strong women (some of whom were older and learned many years ago) that I was actually mistaking nice for being walked on. But I’m still mistified about how to do it gracefully. I have felt much better this year, though, because I am not allowing myself to be walked on as much.
December 7th, 2005 at 11:17 am
I feel that way when I get overloaded and stressed. It’s a battle to regain equilibrium. It’s then I love David when he tells me to “pour out my complaint” and I can unload it all, both barrels, on God. He already knows, and He can help. Hugs….
December 7th, 2005 at 11:01 am
oh man, esther, I’m right there with you, with the dad thing. It’s so comforting to read your post and be like, “she understands how I feel.”
About the camera, would you send me an email with the specs? Jim has been interested in a camera. No guarantees that this is even close to what he wants, but who knows.