Tomorrow evening I fly back into my most previous life - in Oregon – to spend the weekend attending my commencement ceremony and a close friend’s wedding. However, before that chaos begins I’ll be videotaping Chris & Cassie’s wedding (Nick’s brother) tomorrow afternoon.. in fact.. I just got home from the rehearsal dinner.
I’m a bit emotionally drained. Actually exhausted is more accurate. For the past few days I’ve been experiencing excruciating (yet touching) moments where I feel connected to my Dad – through a watch he gave me, a song he played on the violin, and half-asleep dreams of his arms wrapped around me.
At the rehearsal my heart quietly ached as I watched Cassie’s dad walk her down the aisle. Wedding. Father’s Day. Wedding.
I’m so happy for both beautiful couples, yet jealous of both girls – not because they’re getting married … but because they don’t have to worry about who will walk them down the aisle.
17 Responses to “Internally Disoriented”
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Twitter: EstherCrawford
- @jeffreine that bridge gives me chills
- @jeffreine yep! and watched tv ... I'm pretty sure every night should end like that
- @soccerhaus it was pretty hilarious... then another couple came in and started making out too.. it never ended
June 30th, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Love you sis!
June 27th, 2006 at 11:38 am
Unrelated to this post: You’ve been tagged on my journal- BLAME TRACY, it’s her fault
June 21st, 2006 at 10:59 pm
You’re such a sweetheart… not that I really got to spend more than a few envious moments watching you cuddle with Nick… but *HUGS*. I’d shed some serious tears if I wasn’t so self-absorbed with my own emotion caous right now. But SERIOUS BEAR *HUGS*
XXXXXXXXXXX <—- these are hugs… K?
June 20th, 2006 at 10:57 pm
‘lovely’ indeed cute boy with the new hair cut! (referring to his comment on you) U2 R my favorite interanet couple!
June 18th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
The loss of a Dad affects guys, too. I lost mine when I was 7, and I missed that masculine leadership and form of stern love, during my teen years. Thus, when I had my own children, it was hard. I had to make my own way, figure out how to parent :O( Of course, having eight siblings older than me gave me some living examples. The men at our church gave me examples, and having a daughter gave me a laboratory in which to work out how to be father to a girl. A funny thing happened for me, 3 1/2 years ago. My wife developed a friendship with a 21 year old young lady who initially (before a haircut, and dye job) looked just like my adult, unmarried daughter. When she first came to our church, my wife was working that morning, so Rachel sat by me. I must have had 6 people tell me it was good to see my daughter there. 3 1/2 years ago she was preparing to get married, and she was not sure who would give her away. Her own father was divorced and remarried several times since her birth, yet lived in Portland. Her most recent step-Dad wanted to be there for her. But she was unsure about having him come. Neither was there for the practice, so I walked her down the aisle at practice. My daughter was one of the bride’s maids, and her love interest at the time was there, that evening. Rachel’s Dad did the honors, the next day, but Todd saw Emily as marriageable, and my own daughter was going down the aisle, on my arm, 7 months later! As a Dad, that was my greatest thrill. I was glad to get the practice with Rachel.
June 18th, 2006 at 2:34 am
If you can, when those times comes. Cry as soon as you can. You have to let it out. It’s taken me 3 years and a few sessions of counseling to finally get it. BTW, I would urge you to go to counseling sooner than later. I just started this month. Email me if you have any questions.
June 18th, 2006 at 2:28 am
Papa Ozwaldo can walk you down the aisle – if he gets parole.
If you need a Bride’s Maid I’m available.
June 17th, 2006 at 7:06 pm
it weird. I have a dad. He’s a live. I love him. But we’re worlds apart. If I ever get married, I’m not sure he would be the one walking me down the ilse.
June 17th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Not to be prying but …. is your father no longer here w/ us? I know that’s a personal question to ask. It must be realllly hard, girl, & I can’t even begin to FATHOM how you feel. But I do know one thing: Marriage is a sacred thing, so our HEAVENLY Father will always be present there. & I AM sure that your earthly father smiling down on you, & happy & proud of you. Your time for marriage will come, & when it does, both of your fathers will be there. This is something I am confident in, girly. Love you. God bless you.
June 17th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
*hug*
June 17th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
It sounds like part of the natural grieving process. The honest pain about something that has been taken past and future is part of that. There are parents in my life (both sides) that have been gone for over ten years and I still catch myself wishing they were here to share a special moment with me. Hugs…
June 17th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Weddings always wreck emotional havoc on the people around them–everybody has some sort of emotional connection that nobody would have anticipated.
Kings of Convenience are really, really good. “Surprise Ice” is positively numinous sometimes.
June 17th, 2006 at 7:38 am
I can relate somewhat to your anguish as I plan my own wedding and wonder who will walk me down the isle if my dad is not released from prison (on false accusations) in time. It hurts. (I’m sure not as much as losing my dad, hence the “somewhat.”)
June 17th, 2006 at 12:48 am
I’ll walk you down the aisle!
June 17th, 2006 at 12:37 am
believe me, honey, i know. and it doesn’t get all that much easier….but it does get a LITTLE easier. just takes time. i still haven’t decided who it will be to walk me down the aisle, but i keep thinking my mom. not sure yet.
hey~ i got your voicemail on my way home from a ‘do with my mom…sorry i couldn’t answer. i don’t know if you’re still awake, but i’m about to go send you a text message :-D yes, tomorrow sounds lovely :-)
June 17th, 2006 at 12:25 am
I hope you are somehow able to be encouraged and get some refrehment during your visit…miss you…
June 17th, 2006 at 12:16 am
Oh bless your heart Esther….that is a hard one. I have had friends go through the same thing, a few of them had their mothers give them away, others had a special Uncle. There is no easy way to deal with that loss. My heart goes out to you. It really is good to hear from you though, even though you are going through a sad patch. Hope you have a good time while you are in Oregon.