Sunday, July 23rd I visited another church – this is the true story of what took place there. Picture of said church located here.
The name
As Brent pointed out, I should have avoided it at all costs just based on the name – “Spirit Life”. Okay, so maybe this time I have no one to blame but myself.
I optimistically walked into the service (amazingly on time) and received the bulletin, and a raffle ticket. I secretly hoped that they were going to have a special giveaway for visitors – who knows what goodies they might give to coax guests into returning again.
The song service went fine; people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds were quite literally getting their groove on. Despite the staring eyes of a few overly-curious parishioners, I felt surprisingly at ease.
The meet & greet
Having become accustomed to being the visitor, I generally look forward to the “shake your neighbor’s hand and be friendly to one another” section of the service (always placed strategically between the songs and sermon to allow stragglers the opportunity to participate). I admit that this church’s tradition threw me off – they all gave each other high fives instead of handshakes. As I awkwardly high fived the elderly lady to my left, I was suddenly pummeled from behind with a bear hug from an official female greeter.
The talk
And I stayed. This was only the second church I’ve visited that had a woman speak. I learned she was not actually the pastor, but his wife who was temporarily filling in. Her sermon entitled “Destroying the Giant of Insecurity” was essentially a lackluster motivational speech. She shared an “inspiring” story about a woman who managed to become a CEO, despite being fat and having a noticable limp. [Who says miracles don't happen today?]
Using other stories most likely obtained from e-mail forwards, she proceeded to make the crowd recite positive affirmations recommended by Christian psychologists (right after discrediting the field of psychology). We were each given bookmarks with verses we were to “claim in the Name” for the next week.
The tickets
As if my intellect hadn’t been insulted enough for one morning, at the end of the talk she asked the congregation to dig out the raffle tickets we had received earlier.
“Hold those tickets high! Wave them around! This is your ticket to heaven! Now please don’t take me wrong – I’m not selling indulgences! I just want you to know that when you accepted Jesus you accepted your ticket to heaven! And that ticket allows you to have a prosperous and wonderful life here on Earth too! So wave those tickets proudly and thank Jesus because you don’t need to be insecure when you have been given eternal security!”
After swallowing the vomit in my mouth, I looked around to see a church full of tickets fluttering in the air – and all I could do was head for the door.
Twitter: EstherCrawford
July 27th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Ah yes, the sad state of the American Church exemplified yet again.
sad, sad, sad.
July 27th, 2006 at 8:57 pm
oh my….I’ll put that on my “try to avoid list”
July 27th, 2006 at 12:31 am
Toby wanted to see your picture…..He is saying he “misses you & wants to see you again! I saw her a few times. I want to see her again. I miss her!” Yes this is a direct quote….he’s getting so big! He can sing his ABC’s & he’s a puzzle master. Don’t worry too much about me. I’m doing better. Half the stuff I post on my site is to get a rise…..you should know that by now! I miss you too!
xoxoxox Sis
July 26th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
Good to know it’s not just Catholics doing raffles these days (though Catholic raffle tickets usually get you free bowling games and potted plants, not eternal salvation, but tomato, tom-ah-to, right?).
And the church building is utterly indistinguishable from any suburban mall anchor store. Did they have a food court? I hear that’s all the rage at the megachurches.
July 26th, 2006 at 11:37 am
Sorry that you were disappointed in yet another church. I’m telling ya, you just need to come down to North Little Rock and go to church here every weekend.
July 26th, 2006 at 8:42 am
Sounds like a childish object lesson gone horribly, terribly wrong. Ick.
July 26th, 2006 at 7:24 am
Your significant other left me a comment saying that my blog sparked some discussion. So I’m curious what thoughts are running through your head. I’d love to read some of them!
July 25th, 2006 at 11:13 pm
Uff da.
July 25th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
High five Esther!
July 25th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
You’re just ticked because you were jipped out of a prize. I’d be ticked too. I’m not sure you’re very optimistic Esther.
By the way, I was watching CNN today and they showed a United Pentecostal Church service. The pastor was rambling on about the “End Times” and that Revelations states that 2 Billion people are about to die because of the Middle East crisis. (News Banner flashes.) Now I’ve read the bible. Seriously, I’ve read the whole darn thing and there is no place in Revelations that states 2 billion people are going to die in WW3. Ok, it does say that one-third of the Earth’s population is doomed, but whose’s to say when that’ll happen.
Why is it every time Israel’s in the news Evangelicals rub their hands together waiting hopefully for the carnage? “The blood’s gotta flow before we can go!”
July 25th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
It sounds like you need a small group…not a church.
July 25th, 2006 at 6:59 pm
ick. and people actually attend this drivel weekly. *sigh* LOVE your new profile pic!
July 25th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
My pleasure. I always enjoy getting a chance to spend time with you and Nick…and getting into interesting discussions. ;)
July 25th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
I’m so sorry I missed this service! Wow, and to think that I spent the time at a nursing home with people that really needed the attention… what was I thinking…