Digital Decade

Archive for January, 2007

8 Jan 2007, admin

I was reading my daily dose of the BBC and caught an article about Bill Gates where he discusses how his vision is coming true, where people use technology to have/share connected experiences. It reminded me just how far I’ve seen the internet come. I was certainly the first person in my group of friends to use the internet regularly, and have used it on a daily basis from about 1997 onwards.

So for me – it has already been a digital decade.

I was quite young when I was introduced to it at an acquaintance’s house. She had AOL and showed me how she could go into “chatrooms” and talk with people… it seemed like a revolutionary concept, but when I explained it to my friends they all thought it sounded weird and nerdy. It’d never catch on.

I managed to use an old Mac I’d been given to connect using AOL 2.7 software. I can honestly say the internet changed my life – it was as if this entire other world opened up and I developed two sets of friends – my AOL buddies and my “real” friends. Most of my real friends didn’t see the potential of the internet, but I knew once connections got faster and more people got on, social networking would be almost limitless.

I remember when I shifted to 3.0 where the browser was built-in, and then to 4.0 when you could easily attach pictures to your emails – I thought that was amazing – hahaha!

It was taboo to meet people online even five years ago and it’s hard to imagine how much more connected we’ll all be in another decade. Many of the most important people in my life were met online, and many others I’ve been able to get to know through email/instant messenger and websites such as Xanga.

I ‘m a technophile, what can I say? So bring on another digital decade! =)

Family

7 Jan 2007, admin

What do you do when your family is made up of a bunch of broken people? What if you’ve all hurt each other through the years? What if it feels like you can never do enough? If you don’t express your love enough? If you can’t be there for each other in tangible ways? If you succeed, you’re an outcast & if you fail, you’re an outcast and there is no middle ground because every little incident is either counted as a success or failure. What if your parents were flawed and they can never admit they were wrong? What if you were put on a pedestal? If you want to step off of it, can you – will others let you?

I’m generally private about these things but what the heck? I talked about my weight in the last post, something I typically internalize not publicize. So here goes nothing…

My family is a wreck. We love each other but the past never seems to escape us. I’m the only connection to two very different families – my mom’s side and my dad’s side. If I’m too much like either side then the other feels like I’m a traitor. My brother Jonathan & my sister Trish (my mom’s side) were my saviors growing up, they unconditionally stood up for me and gave me the confidence my other siblings repeatedly tore down (not necessarily by what they said, but by what they didn’t say).

Through time I became friends and then even close to my other siblings though (my dad’s side), and have since built relationships with each of them. Now they’re my only connection to my dad. I always wanted to reconcile both sides of me and in many ways I finally have.

One of the most precious times in my life was being with Trish while she was pregnant, during the birth and in the weeks afterwards. Her son was like my little angel baby who I cradled and loved.

The next year I was increasingly busy, wrapped up in my friends and made fewer visits to see her. In some respects I figured, she was married and had a baby and now her life was different and she didn’t need me as much… but I was wrong, she needed me more because it was a difficult transition, but I couldn’t relate.

I left for Jordan the next summer and after several months she came out to visit. Despite being on an adventure together, I could tell she was stressed out and I couldn’t make her happy. I felt like she had changed and I didn’t know how to reach out so I just let it go.

I returned to Oregon the next year, and my nephew was certainly not a baby anymore. I didn’t have a car and was focused on the 20+ credits I was taking in the Summer, Fall & Winter terms – trying desperately to finish school. We didn’t see each other very often.

Then I moved to Wisconsin and now I’m in England and find out how deeply she’s hurting by my lack of involvement in her family’s life and for not being there for her during difficult times. My baby nephew is a little boy and I’ve seen very little of him as he’s grown up. I can’t change anything in the past and don’t have the emotional energy to live in guilt for the present. There aren’t any good options to fix things.

I know you’ll read this Trish – I wanted to publically explain myself and tell you that I love you, I’m proud of you and I miss you. I can’t be there for you in the way I should be as a sister and I’m sorry.. I really am. You are not invisible, you’re not forgotten. I will always love you.

My struggles with weight

4 Jan 2007, admin

I haven’t talked much about this on Xanga, I guess because some things are too painful or difficult to describe. More than anything I didn’t want expectations put on me to change, because in the event they never did – I didn’t want to feel like more of a failure than I already did.

For people who are thin (& have never been overweight) I’m not sure you can understand what it’s like. At my heaviest weight, according to my BMI* I was in the obese category. It shocked me when I found that out. I managed to avoid scales for years, seriously. I completely guessed on the rare occasion I had to list my weight, and when I went in for a physical last January I was so embarrassed. My doctor turned to me and politely suggested I consider losing weight – when I got home I crawled into bed, and cried myself to sleep.

My freshman year of college was when I really started packing the pounds on. I was depressed and lonely, I wanted to transfer to Oregon but I didn’t want to seem like a quitter, so I stayed in Indiana until the year ended and used my dad’s cancer as an excuse to return home. There was a small convenience store about 30ft from my door and often times when I’d be bored or frustrated I’d stop in and pick up a bag of chips or a candy bar. It didn’t seem like such a big deal since my eating habits had been pretty bad all through high school – but without exercise it catches up to ya pretty quickly.

Throughout college I put on roughly 30lbs. I wasn’t skinny to start with, but at least I was healthy. In Jordan was when I gained the last bit – again, I found comfort and a sense of being home in junk food and large portions. If I wasn’t stuffed then I wasn’t done, and if I had bought a meal it’d be a waste not to finish it all, right?

A few times I experienced harsh words or simple embarrassments. People in Jordan are much thinner than in America and are much more likely to just call you fat rather than try to tiptoe around anything. I remember once walking into a store and having the male cashier tell me “We don’t have your size in our store”. I laughed it off with my friend, but inside I felt a crushing pain. He wasn’t trying to be rude, he was just being honest.

After the doctor’s visit last January I bought a scale and became motivated to try something, anything. I wasn’t very hopeful though. I had several painful discussions with people I was close to and decided I’d give it a try. Unlike Nick who posted a measuring stick on his Xanga charting his weight gain, I was secretive about my weight loss. I didn’t feel like I could take disappointing the world and I was sure that’s what I’d do because I’d resigned myself to being overweight. Perhaps it was God’s fault for making my metabolism slower and my desire for food higher? I didn’t see nutrition/health as moral issues, but my mind is slowly changing on that too.

I joined eDiets and followed it counting calories until about March. I lost 9lbs but by mid-April I had gained back 4lbs – there wasn’t anything wrong with the program but when my sister Karen made some harsh comments about being a marshmallow, I comforted myself with some food.

Moving to Milwaukee challenged me and after about a month I came across an old friend’s facebook profile. I’d seen it before and found it inspiring – Michelle, one of the heaviest girls in high school looked great. I remembered she’d done Weight Watchers. There was a meeting place just a few minutes from Nick’s work and so with a lot of fear & trepidation I decided to check it out on June 7th.

I had a lot of assumptions about what it’d be like, but I found the leader welcoming and knew from the start that it wasn’t about a diet but that real change would require an overhaul of my relationship to food and my willingness to get moving more. At times it’s been very challenging and I’ve almost given up twice.

I lost 17lbs before moving to the UK in September.. It took me about 3wks before I could work up the courage to go to a meeting here in Durham but I finally did and it has been a wonderful experience – the group here is even better! Since then I’m down a bunch more, and now I’ve lost a grand total of 42lbs. =)

I’ve got 15lbs til my goal weight but I’m no longer worried about making it and feel like sharing this last bit of the journey might help me and maybe some of you who have the same struggles. Even just a couple of months ago I doubted I could do it, but I’ve got this far and I’m not about to give up now.

So with that – my New Years resolution is to reach my goal weight the healthy way… something I plan to accomplish in the next couple of months. =)

*BMI (Body Mass Index) based on height & weight- Check yours by clicking here!

Morbidly obese: 40+
Obesity: 30+
Overweight: 25-29.9
Normal: 18.5-24.9
Underweight: <18.5

Starting BMI: 33
Current BMI: 24.8
Goal BMI: 21.9

Weekly Weigh-in 3/4

4 Jan 2007, Esther

You know the routine by now. =) Lost another 1.5lbs over the holidays

(to read YouTube video comments you have to double-click on the video and go to the site directly)

Wednesday January 3, 2007

3 Jan 2007, admin

I just thought I’d throw up a few pictures from my camera from while Nick was here (I already miss him). It was wonderful having him around and seeing a few new places.

London Piccadilly Circus