4th September 07
With only a couple of days (at most) that I’ll be working on my dissertation, the end has finally come… and I couldn’t be more grateful. Although this marks the finale of my educational endeavors, I have a feeling it won’t be too far in the future that I’ll find myself in a classroom again since I’m hoping to take a class here and there on topics that interest me.
I’m still adjusting to the new title ‘
fiancée‘ … in many ways it’s still surreal. The ring is beautiful but since I’ve never been a big jewelry person (and never, ever worn a ring for more than a few hours), it’s been quite an adjustment to have such a large piece on my left hand. I scratch or stab myself with it several times a day. I swear – solitaire diamonds could be used as weapons if one were in a bind.
Creating a wedding budget is perhaps one of the scariest parts of the engagement process. The numbers all seem so large, and there are just so many of them – every little piece of paper or food costs so much money. Of course I’d have to get engaged shortly after having another epiphany about materialism (this happens every so often because after awhile I tend to forget about my desire to refrain from being materialistic and fall back into the pattern). It’s a constant battle. And knowing how expensive even a basic wedding is makes me somewhat queasy.. not because we can’t afford it but because others are going without food, clean water & shelter as I dream about reception decor. I know it’s
okay to celebrate and to enjoy the day, but I just need to be reminded that it is just
one day… and in all sincerity it’s the other days & years that follow that I look forward to the most. The wedding day itself is just the beginning.
I talked with one of my sisters today for two hours – I’m not sure that we’ve ever talked that long before…
ever. In many ways we should have been close since we’re the closest in age of all my siblings (she’s only 5 years older), but because of childhood circumstances and rivalry we never really bonded. I feel sorry for her – her mom (my ex-step mom) died earlier this summer and now she has few relatives in her life. There is still so much bitterness regarding how her mom handled divorcing my dad that few of our siblings will speak to her… which is a shame, but not something either of us can control. I’ve intentionally tried reaching out to her throughout the years because I know the sadness that comes with feeling isolated and rejected by family – and I know the joy that comes when those wounds are healed and the relationships restored. I hope that in time she’ll be grafted back into the family… and in the meantime, I plan on being her friend and her sister as best as I can.
Speaking of weddings and families… I realized that my wedding will be the first opportunity to take a full family photo with all of my siblings. I have plenty of photos with either my mom’s side or my dad’s side – but never both. It may seem like a small thing, but it means more than I can find words to express.
