Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

This morning I woke up and first thing I wanted to do was check and make sure that I hadn’t bled all over myself (aka – that I didn’t have a miscarriage somehow through the night). I don’t know where this sudden paranoia has sprung up from… it’s as if my usual, calm self has been snatched away and replaced with a worried conspiracy theorist. I fret over every little thing. I’ve even been waking up multiple times in the night with the realization that I’m sleeping on my back or on my stomach – I snap wide awake and immediately roll over onto my left side in the hope that I haven’t crushed, suffocated, or cut off blood flow to the poor child.

One of my best friends miscarried a couple of years ago and I saw how intensely she grieved over that loss. Perhaps in part because of her experience I feel a heightened since of anxiety about the next month. I wish I could stop thinking about it because I doubt the extra stress is helping out its odds. It’s just… well… a) it’d be terribly sad; and b) I would feel awkward having to tell everyone. All of our friends & family members are so genuinely excited. This little Tiny Tot will make my in-laws grandparents for the first time, and it just feels like we’ve all already invested too much to not see this through. And yet, I realize that it’s not entirely rational since none of us have any control over chromosomal complications or fetal development.

It’s odd because the truth is we’ve only known for 2 weeks – but my world has already been rocked with the wonderful news, and I’m just not sure if I’d be ready for the boat to sink just as I’m starting to learn how to find my balance.

This evening when Nick came home he asked if I went and got my blood work done yet since I was supposed to get it done before my next appointment (my first big prenatal visit – in 2 days). Here’s basically how our conversation went:

Nick: Perhaps you should reschedule the appointment because you haven’t done the blood work yet.

Me: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I won’t do THAT!

Nick: Geez… what’s wrong with you? Why’d you just about snap my head off? I just thought they might need your results before the appointment.

Me: *sheepishly* … Sorry, but I’ve been looking forward to this all week. I really need to know that everything’s going okay inside there *pointing to belly*. It’s driving me a little crazy wondering all the time if everything is normal and healthy.