Last night I had myself a mini-meltdown in Nick’s arms. It was therapeutic to be vulnerable and expose the feelings that have been gnawing away at my soul… feelings about my impending motherhood, about work, and about the expectations I’ve been placing on myself.
Frankly, the list is daunting:
Decorate the house. Also, keep it clean. Be organized. Exercise. Stay highly engaged online: make videos, update frequently, read & comment on a million sites. Look cute, even though I feel frumpy. Keep on top of work projects. Be a great wife in/out of bed. Cook healthy meals. Connect with friends. Be an informed parent-to-be. Maintain high energy & passion. Network relentlessly. …yadda, yadda, yadda…
And to think that soon I’m going to have to add “fabulous mommy” to that list boggles my hormonally foggy mind. Yes, I’m excited. But if I’m honest – I’m also scared to death.
I feel overwhelmed as it is, and then to throw a tiny, needy baby into the equation just about brings me to my knees. Me? A MOTHER? To a BABY? Like … in ELEVEN WEEKS?
Suddenly the 2 year gestational period of an elephant seems appealing.
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Generally I keep things to myself, but occasionally I like to just let it all out. Thankfully Nick knows how to just let me vent, but apparently not everyone is capable of that kind of sensitivity. A few days ago I made a brief (and promptly regrettable) attempt at sharing my insecurities with another woman – and even though I lobbed her a soft pitch, it was a strike-out:
Me: “I’ve been feeling kinda nervous lately about all the changes coming up – did you have any worries or fears about having your first baby?”
Her: “Not at all! In fact, as long as I can remember – all I ever really wanted to be was a mom! I was just sooooooooo excited!”
At which point I mauled her smiled and promptly changed the subject.
9 Responses to “The Pressure to be Perfect”
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Twitter: EstherCrawford
- @jeffreine that bridge gives me chills
- @jeffreine yep! and watched tv ... I'm pretty sure every night should end like that
- @soccerhaus it was pretty hilarious... then another couple came in and started making out too.. it never ended
March 13th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I have two words for you: “She’s lying!” Or maybe she just doesn’t remember. I can relate to everything you are saying. And I’m just now getting to where I don’t put so much pressure on myself.
You probably will be surprised how quickly you get used to being a mom, though!
February 27th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I don’t believe that lady. I just don’t.
I was scared to death. I was nervous before each birth – not just the first one.
Plus you have the added pressure of blogging. LOL I didn’t start until after my 3rd was born.
It is great to have someone to vent to!
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:23 am
There’s so much an older woman would want to say to a younger one with this daunting list! But I’ll start with two thoughts, one a cliche, but still great advice, especially for mothers. You hear it every time you take a flight: put your own oxygen mask on first! If you operate on too little ‘oxygen’ — healthy food, rest, fun, time alone, creativity — you can only give from an ever depleting space, and everyone suffers.
The other thought is to look at your list and think about what each of those things brings to you, as opposed to what you have to bring to it. I find if I look at having an orderly home as something that nourishes me, then the things I have to do to keep it orderly take on a very different feeling. And if it gets out of order it’s no big deal. I just know I’ll be more nourished when I have the time or energy to get it back in order.
February 22nd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
How lucky for people to be able to listen to you share your stories, because I am sure (although not married or w/ child) that there are so many women and MEN who are experiencing the same things that you are.
You have been given this blessing and you WILL be given the strength. Remember you’re not super woman, but you are a lot to so many people even if you don’t tick every single box.
Chin up w/ smile…enjoy as much as you can.
Michelle
February 20th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Don’t worry you will be amazed at how fast you maternal instinct kicks in. I love the name Jude, and your nursery. We did my sons in an ocean theme too. I came over from the MBC, look forward to reading more.-Beth
February 20th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Seriously now… you don’t want to feel frumpy for 2 years like a mama elephant would. Esther, you’re radiant as a pregnant woman and I know with very minimal effort you’ll be fabulous as your son’s brand new mom. Rest assured, all of this is normal – the feelings, the stress, the worry, the pressure & the culprit – the hormones.
I hope you are having fun at Mom 2.0 and have a safe trip home.
TTYL.
February 20th, 2009 at 2:33 am
You’re doing really well Esther and it may not feel like it but you are getting things done! I think most people appear to be hurled into the chaos of parenting and try to find their feet but I would say that you would be one of the few people I’ve talked to that would make a superb mommy – faults and all. A cut above the rest! In fact, when I have kids I am going to drop them at your house for an Esther & Nick Fun Day. (Nick says “you’re going to have to find us first!”) hahahahaha!
Seriously though, you’re probably the most conscientious person I’ve ever talked to. I think that on its own makes you a wonderful parent!
By the way, the pirates themed room is sooooooooooooo cool. Great for your child’s imagination and most importantly – FUN!
February 18th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I think it’s normal to have these feelings. To me, it shows that you’re trying to do everything as good as you can. This is a quality that only good mothers can have. The woman you told about, which was ‘sooooooo excited’ probably only wanted to make herself look better (though in my opinion her attitude isn’t THAT wow…ish)
I guess it’s normal to be scared and nervous if one’s in a new situation. I got pregnant when I was 18 and I was freakin’ scared too! It’s perfectly normal.
I take it that you have a very nice husband and I’m sure he’s gonna help you!
Everything’s gonna be fine!
I’m sure you’ll be a fabulous mommy!
February 18th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Oh everything you feel is so true- I’m a bit jealous that you are that aware before your first child because I had no clue! So I’d say that you’re already ahead! Have fun at Mom 2.0! If you get a chance, meet Maria Bailey and let her know you’re my friend. Gabrielle Blair (Design Mom) too. Delightful people to know!!
Steph