Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

At 6:30a I find myself stumbling down the hall, using my sweatshirt’s sleeve to wipe the dried drool from the side of my cheek. Another day has started with Jude’s cry calling to me from within a dream. By the time I’m nearing his room I’m already struggling to recall the adventure I’d been immersed in only moments earlier. Had I been flying again? Or was I falling? I can’t quite remember.

Before pushing the door open I call out in a sing-song voice, “Hey baby, Mommy’s coming… I love you and miss you!”.

As I peek my head in I see he’s already standing, holding on to the crib bars anticipating my arrival. I lean over and swoop him into my arms, pulling him tight against my chest to give the first hug of the day.

With his cheeks still red, he snuggles in to my shoulder and then promptly pulls away – frantically looking around wondering if there’s anything to see – even though it’s still dark enough outside that I’d stumble without the glow of the nightlight.

We head back to my bed where I lay him down next to me so that we’re still touching. He pulls at my shirt and opens his mouth waiting for our special time to begin.

In seconds I feel the familiar force of his latch and he begins coaxing the milk out.

At first his gulps are audible but his rhythm slows down as he settles in to the bed, knowing there’s really no rush.

As his belly fills I sense what feels like a warm stream of water swirling around and through me and I think this is real peace. Authentic serenity.

With his eyes closed his tiny hand reaches out, looking to tap on my skin – a simple yet profound reassurance of my presence.

I can’t help but smile. My heart is so full of love.

_____

I worry that I’ll forget as time passes so I need to share these thoughts because I want to remember to savor them.

I’ve been so lucky to have this amazing routine with baby Jude for almost 3 months, and there’s no doubt that those special moments we share each morning will be some of my most cherished memories of him at this age.

I almost gave up on breastfeeding because it was really difficult for me. I often cried as I went through the motions of pumping and feeding, frustrated that my efforts seemed in vain for so many weeks. Would my milk ever come in enough for him to be satisfied with just me?

It would.

And the incredibly tender and intimate moments breastfeeding has created – the bond it helped cement – was worth it all.

Jude at 8 months, 3 weeks old

I’ve always had an affinity for gymnastics. My theory is it’s because it is one of the few sports where being short & petite is actually an advantage, and at not-quite-5ft I fit the prototype…. well, save for the bra size.

In fact, when my dad moved us up to Oregon by him when I was nine (it’s a complicated story), one of the first things I asked for was a membership to SuperKids Gymnastics. I’d been bugging my mom for years and would prance around in a leotard but my mom just couldn’t afford it.

I had big dreams. I mean, BIG. Like, Olympics B-I-G.

Alas…. what I found was that the 5 year olds were miles ahead of me and after only a year of weekly group lessons I quit and focused on sports I was more competitive in.

For a very brief time I tried starting again. But when I tried out in 8th grade and they placed me with a bunch of 3rd graders I gave it up for what I thought was the last time.

Until last week, when I found out Turner Hall offers adult gymnastics classes. *insert hallelujah chorus*

Okay… so clearly I’ll never be competitive in any sense of the word but I really love the feeling of flip-flopping around on cushy mats and attempting to fly through the air on the bars. And, although it’ll be awhile before I can even pull myself around a bar without support I am so excited at the possibility of having fun while exercising again.

I was thisclose to letting my fear and self-consciousness keep me from joining, but I didn’t. And if I were in therapy I’m pretty sure they’d call that a breakthrough.

Truthfully, I even surprised myself with what I could do:
A cartwheel, a round-off, a handstand (plus forward roll), a front handspring… and with a bit of assistance I even landed a few backflips.

From now on I will refer to myself as a gymnast. Ohhhh yeah. I can see my inner eight year old beaming with pride.

Sore doesn’t begin to describe how I’ve felt the last couple of days but it’s a great feeling to hurt this much and still want to go back for more. I’d like to believe that with some hard work I could do the splits (!!!) and a few beam tricks (!!!) again.

Thanks to FitMilwaukee and Tracy for inspiring me to push myself and try new things. :)

I get a lot of messages asking what I eat and so I’m going to post a series specifically about food.

One of the things I’ve realized about myself is that when I’m writing down what I eat it makes me more conscious of what I’m sticking in mouth, and I end up making better choices. After enduring a frustratingly long plateau I decided to go back to basics and focus on religiously tracking my food consumption again. And what I found surprised me – I was over my Points allowance almost every day. So, while I thought I was doing well and blamed my plateau on breastfeeding, the truth was that I was eating a bit more than I should… not enough for me to gain, but too much for me to keep losing.

Getting the day started off on a healthy foot is incredibly important for my success.

As a kid I never ate breakfast. I remember in high school that at some point I was told breakfast was an important component to weight loss so I’d often grab two Pop Tarts for a whopping 440 unfilling calories. I think about that now and go “eeeeeek!”.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made over the last few years is ditching high calorie, low density foods – which make up a lot of the quick breakfast items.

In terms of food I tend to become a creature of habit – having a routine helps me stay on track and feel in control. This is my favorite meal at the moment, which takes about 8 minutes to make…

5 points (<300 calories)

It consists of 1 egg (2pts / 75cal), 2 Boca sausage links (1pt / 70cal), 1 Thomas High Fiber English Muffin (1pt / 100cal) plus no sugar jam (1pt / 40cal). To prevent stick-age I use the Misto Olive Oil Sprayer, one of my most-used wedding presents… thanks brother!

Love this stuff! It actually tastes better than real sausage in my opinion, and has 75% less fat.

My latest breakfast obsession. It's also yummy with peanut butter!

While I eat this combo most mornings – I also rotate in other options so I don’t get bored:

- 1.5c of Special K with Red Berries and 1/2c skim milk (4pts / 220cal)

- 1 Dannon Light & Fit yogurt (2pts / 80cal)

- 2 packets of Quaker Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal Apples & Cinnamon (4pts / 220 cal)

What’s for breakfast in your house?

My good friend Michelle (also @eatingjourney) was the catalyst of my own weight loss. We went to high school together and I was shocked by her picture when we reconnected on Facebook in 2005 – I hadn’t seen her in several years and had no idea that she was practically half the person she had been.

I was depressed and at an emotional rock bottom over my continued failure. I had tried pills and plans… yet, I kept finding fast food wrappers piling up in the back seat of my car.

So, in desperation I sent her a message asking for some words of wisdom. What she shared was not a quick fix or magical cure, but a story of determination.

I’m not exaggerating at all when I say this: until I saw her photo I didn’t believe I could do it.

She gave me an injection of hope.

Suddenly the impossible was possible. The realization that I could unravel the layers of fat and find my true self was breathtaking.

She has struggled with self-image (like basically every.woman.I.know) but has fought back by exposing herself and finding that happiness is not found in achieving a specific number, but that living healthy and eating mindfully is a choice we can make anew each morning.

In case you can’t tell, I adore Michelle. In many ways I owe so much of my life to her.

Not because she lost a bunch of weight though.

Because she is truly kind.

And I love that she’s a fighter. Who is beautiful. And inspirational. And is on a mission to let women know it’s okay to love your body.

[Oh, and she has a fitness level of 4 out of 5. Kickass I tell ya.]

When I was in Oregon for Christmas we recorded a video:

If you’re looking for some other amazing women on an eating journey check out:
Jenn @ ExHotGirl
Mary @ AMerryLife
Jen @ PriorFatGirl
Carla @ MizFit
Veronica @ Roni’s Weigh
Angela @ OhSheGlows
Julia @ JewliaGoulia

Want more on this topic? Related posts:
The Naked Truth
Weigh-in Weeks 3 & 4

Men People often forget that boobs are actually very functional devices.

Their purpose has become abundantly clear – and just in case I were to forget – several times a day a little boy crawls over … buries his head in my chest … and starts going “nom nom nom“.

When I first heard about the earthquake in Haiti I simply felt overwhelmed. With sadness. With anger. With helplessness.

At times I’ve consciously chosen to avoid reading or watching the coverage because my heart breaks and I think, “WHAT CAN I DO?!” ….

Then, a lightbulb went off when I saw tweets from @GiveMilk.

Duh.

I’ve got boobies! Tatas! Breasticles!

….

I have never donated breast milk before – I just signed up today to start the process. However, I did receive some from two friends during Jude’s early weeks while I was struggling with low supply. I remember crying with joy – not because I think formula is evil (it isn’t) – but because it’s such a personal + loving gift.

A gift I can give

to Haiti.

So… I’ve signed up. And if you’re lactating, you can too!

These babies need us. They need every ounce of a chance to survive, and thrive, and grow to rebuild their country.

For logistical questions on how to become a donor.

For just more general information there’s the Human Milk Bank Association of North America or the International Breast Milk Project.

** and if you can’t give milk, there are so many wonderful ways to donate money (like texting “disaster” to 90999 for Compassion) or you can find a blood donation center nearby.

Update: Thanks to a reader Chrissy who sent me this link to an article discussing the ongoing problem of infrastructure in Haiti. It seems there’s a lot of willingness on the part of American nursing moms to donate, but aid agencies don’t have the capacity to properly handle it yet.