At 6:30a I find myself stumbling down the hall, using my sweatshirt’s sleeve to wipe the dried drool from the side of my cheek. Another day has started with Jude’s cry calling to me from within a dream. By the time I’m nearing his room I’m already struggling to recall the adventure I’d been immersed in only moments earlier. Had I been flying again? Or was I falling? I can’t quite remember.
Before pushing the door open I call out in a sing-song voice, “Hey baby, Mommy’s coming… I love you and miss you!”.
As I peek my head in I see he’s already standing, holding on to the crib bars anticipating my arrival. I lean over and swoop him into my arms, pulling him tight against my chest to give the first hug of the day.
With his cheeks still red, he snuggles in to my shoulder and then promptly pulls away – frantically looking around wondering if there’s anything to see – even though it’s still dark enough outside that I’d stumble without the glow of the nightlight.
We head back to my bed where I lay him down next to me so that we’re still touching. He pulls at my shirt and opens his mouth waiting for our special time to begin.
In seconds I feel the familiar force of his latch and he begins coaxing the milk out.
At first his gulps are audible but his rhythm slows down as he settles in to the bed, knowing there’s really no rush.
As his belly fills I sense what feels like a warm stream of water swirling around and through me and I think this is real peace. Authentic serenity.
With his eyes closed his tiny hand reaches out, looking to tap on my skin – a simple yet profound reassurance of my presence.
I can’t help but smile. My heart is so full of love.
_____
I worry that I’ll forget as time passes so I need to share these thoughts because I want to remember to savor them.
I’ve been so lucky to have this amazing routine with baby Jude for almost 3 months, and there’s no doubt that those special moments we share each morning will be some of my most cherished memories of him at this age.
I almost gave up on breastfeeding because it was really difficult for me. I often cried as I went through the motions of pumping and feeding, frustrated that my efforts seemed in vain for so many weeks. Would my milk ever come in enough for him to be satisfied with just me?
It would.
And the incredibly tender and intimate moments breastfeeding has created – the bond it helped cement – was worth it all.
Jude at 8 months, 3 weeks old
Rachel Cunliffe: Congrats on persevering with breastfeeding and I’m so glad you’re now at the point of enjoying that close bond!
I’m still BF my 18 month old and still love that time together in the morning.28 weeks ago
workout mommy: what a beautiful post and a great idea to write it down now so you won’t forget.
Breastfeeding really is such a special bonding time between mom and baby. Enjoy your time with that adorable little guy!30 weeks ago
tracey: Oh I miss those days when my kids were babies and so excited to see me enter their rooms in the morning! *Sigh.* Not so much anymore now that I have to get them up for school. Speaking of which, I should be doing that right now… ;)
You are right- you need to savor this time.30 weeks ago
Haley: This is such a beautiful post. I love it! So glad you and Jude get to share this special time.30 weeks ago
Nicholas Crawford: Hey Michelle, I felt like I missed out a tiny bit early on with the nursing, but I was grateful to not have that responsibility either. With family time, quantity trumps quality. A week at Disney World won’t make up for a years of neglect, neither will a few hours of playtime on the weekend makeup for not being there at all during the week.30 weeks ago
Heather Acton: These pictures of Jude are beautiful, as is your story of your mornings with him. I really applaud you for sticking with it with breastfeeding. Those first few months are SO hard that it really is no wonder many women give up, but once you hit that sweet spot it really is a daily (maybe moreso hourly!) reward. Congratulations to you for your dedication – Jude is a lucky boy!30 weeks ago
Margaret: How beautifully written, I was a little disappointed it came to an end. Jude is one luck boy, you are truly an amazing mother. I hope one day your thoughts will become a book. Hugs and love to your beautiful little family …Margaret xxx30 weeks ago
Aunt Betsey: I’m so glad you’re writing this down. You will remember how special it was, but the details get submerged into so many other details, so you’ll cherish later what you write now.30 weeks ago
Michelle@Eatingjourney: Beautiful. When I have kids..I am calling you..everyday. jk. What an amazing mother you are. Oh..and Jude is adorable. I wonder if men feel like they don’t have that special boding time, because they can’t ‘give’ like mother’s do when they’re feeding. What are Nick’s thoughts?30 weeks ago
Mike Pooposterous: Love is a truly beautiful thing. I wish you and your miniature Bruce Willis many happy moments :)30 weeks ago