Lately I’ve been having conversations with a bunch of folks interested in jumping into the social media + blogging fray. Some are personal friends, and others I met through my presentation at Milwaukee’s Job Camp.
The thing about sharing your life + thoughts online is that you have to be ready for the push back. You have to be ready for the accusations that will inevitably come from an anonymous commenter – the person who judges every inane action and proclaims to the world that you’re a bad mother.
I say this because I’ve experienced it many, many times. So I’m here to say it gets easier. But it remains part of the gig.
Blogging has been an incredible outlet and I’m always enthusiastic about seeing new & creative folks join in but one thing I rarely mention is that at times, this whole social media thing can be very painful.
YouTube is a particularly harsh audience and putting my body + weight on display has allowed for an endless stream of comments like “you may have lost the weight, but you’re still fugly”. The drivel of internet troll hate usually makes me laugh – it doesn’t affect my self-esteem, and if anything, it’s given me a chance to fine-tune clever comebacks that showcase their jackassery.
I thought I had developed a thick skin, until baby Jude came along.
Then I realized the worst comments were yet to come, and they would arrive from among my peers… from women, and moms… comments about my parenting. They’d be related to choices like putting my son on the internet, opting not to have him circumcised, trying for a home birth, and taking him to oh-so-dangerous places in the world.
“You’re a bad mother” is what some have said. And I’d be lying if I claimed those words didn’t hurt. They’d finally found my Achilles heel and managed to penetrate through to stab me in the heart.
The good news? I’m learning to let it go. To agree to disagree. To be kinder and less judgmental when I see other moms yelling at their kids in the grocery store because maybe that’s not an accurate or complete picture of her mothering skills.
So this past week when I was at the Mom 2.0 Summit and there was a panel made up of three brilliant women I admire and the topic was self-proclaimed bad mothering – I knew I had to attend.
While they also talked about marketing issues and working with brands, I edited together pieces where they shared their personal journey:
Sharon: Well, that fact that people are calling you fugly you have to know it’s all BS, because you are very beautiful, truly… way above average. And I know you can’t possibly be a bad mom because of this statement about what you got from the negative comments:”To be kinder and less judgmental when I see other moms yelling at their kids in the grocery store because maybe that’s not an accurate or complete picture of her mothering skills.” …bless your heart and soul, you are not only a good mom, you are a great person, keep at it, thanks for being on this earth with me! We need more like you, who can take the unkindness and become better not bitter, this world is blessed to have you in it.5 weeks ago
smithyvonne9: [via YouTube] PLEASE DONT READ THIS. YOU WILL GET KISSED ON THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. HOWEVER IF YOU DONT POST THIS COMMENT something bad will happen. NOW UV STARTED READIN DIS DUNT STOP THIS IS SO SCARY. SEND THIS TO 5 VIDEOS IN 143 MINUTES WHEN UR DONE PRESS F6 AND UR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR ON THE SCREEN IN BIG LETTERS. THIS IS SO SCARY CAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS THIS ACTUALLY WORKS7 weeks ago
FreeUpYourMind: [via YouTube] Great video. Thank you for sharing :)15 weeks ago
oceanbreathessalty: [via YouTube] @lavenderteacups Changing the things you do is not the same as changing who you are. Many women forget who they were before they had children and therefore let other aspects of their lives suffer that are equally as important as being a mother, such as being a wife. Many marriages fail because women fail to prioritize and incorporate their life before baby with their life after baby. I also believe that being the best mother you can be means being true to yourself as well.15 weeks ago
Kalyn Cavalier: I am just so inspired by you! Your blog and youtube channel really give me inspiration to get it all out there and not be ashamed for losing with Weight Watchers and telling everyone I know about my new, healthier lifestyle.
You’re a great model of what we SHOULD be doing- and that is living our lives in a way that works for our families and gives us the most joy. I feel encouraged to go do something stellar cool now..16 weeks ago
fredericl123: [via YouTube] a month has passed, no new video from you. hoping everything is fine.16 weeks ago
BrianSATX79: [via YouTube] Man this is depressing.16 weeks ago
Nenywonkers: [via YouTube] I love that you posted this. I thought I was the only mom struggling with the challenges of being a mom and everything that it entails. It’s funny because I thought you had to be a “perfect mom” to be a good mom. Unfortunately, I’m far from perfect so I guess that makes me a “bad mom” too :-D17 weeks ago
I Never Knew Motherhood Would Be Filled With This Much Guilt | Chicago Mompreneur: [...] 2.0 that I so regret not attending. I was reminded of it today when I saw (my favorite mom blogger) FaintStarLite’s post “Bad Mothers” which included excerpts from a Mom 2.0 panel of self-proclaimed “bad mothers” that [...]18 weeks ago
Bejewell: I had a conversation with a friend about this very thing over the weekend and the way I described it was, “Blogging is like downtown. It’s awesome most of the time, with the museums and the shops and the restaurants, and you can meet your friends down there for drinks and maybe catch a show and have a wonderful time. But then you walk back to your car and find your window smashed and your stereo’s been stolen. It sucks, yeah. But it doesn’t mean you don’t want to go down there again — It’s just the risk you take for a super fun, rockin’ good time. And I think it’s totally worth it.”
She started a blog the next day.
Awesome post, just found you and I’m glad I did!18 weeks ago
Danielle: Even without seeing you “in action” I can’t imagine you’d be anything but a wonderful Mom :)
So great to meet you yesterday and listen to you speak! Thanks for the inspiration!
Danielle18 weeks ago
Linn Jones: Love your blog :)19 weeks ago
Lisa: Bad mother is about the LAST thing I’d call you. I’m sorry haters got you down. I’m actually a little bit nervous about that – I decided to start posting weight loss blogs (I’m down 115, with 30-40 to go) and I don’t know how I’ll handle that if it is an issue. TIPS?20 weeks ago
Jendi: Just like you got used to the other bad comments you’ll get used to the bad comments – or you’ll be so busy and tired with multiple kids that you won’t care.
Good for you for recognizing that those five wretched minutes in the grocery store are not the whole story! Been there, done that – get a babysitter now. :)
Everybody parents differently, just as everybody blogs or vlogs differently. Find your style. Find what fits you. Get advice from a parent whose kids turned out the way you want yours to be. I’ve found that the parents who tend to be most critical about other’s parenting habits are the ones whose kids turned out AWFUL. You can do it!20 weeks ago
Rachael: Oh honey. People are cruel. And life is hard. And that. Totally. Sucks.
If it matters even a smidge, I think you rock and I think motherhood is a journey – not a destination – just like every other aspect of life. You follow your path. You make mistakes. And sometimes you just knock it right out of the park. The fact that you care enough to talk about it indicates to me that you’re more of an ‘out of the park’ kinda girl.
More power to you and you have my support on your journey, should you ever need it!
Oh – and you are SO not fugly! SERIOUSLY?! Haters suck.20 weeks ago
dina: Seriously – just hearing that someone called YOU – the sweetest and most caring perosn on earth – a BAD MOM makes me want to find them and scream in their face. I’m in shock. Whoever said that – you couldn’t be more wrong. You have no idea who Esther is. Now I’m alllll mad….21 weeks ago
I Never Knew Motherhood Would Be Filled With This Much Guilt | Heather Acton - Letting It All Hang Out: [...] 2.0 that I so regret not attending. I was reminded of it today when I saw (my favorite mom blogger) FaintStarLite’s post “Bad Mothers” which included excerpts from a Mom 2.0 panel of self-proclaimed “bad mothers” that [...]21 weeks ago
Nicci: There will always haters out there. Your a strong lady and I think your a Rockin Mommy too. People know words hurt and they try to get under your skin, but keep pushing on. I love how the haters can never show their faces…chickens. lol Keep doing your thing Esther.21 weeks ago