I have a friend who has been saying she’s a virgin.
Even though she’s not.
Not by a long shot.
I’m kind of stunned by the realization that I’ve had lots of friends over the years who were really ashamed of sexual choices made along the way and so rather than owning up to it – they lied. Either by claiming virginity or by lowering their number.
I totally get that shame and familial/religious expectations come into play but owning your truth is incredibly empowering; after all, living a lie is exhausting. It’s a kind of self-inflicted silent torture.
I understand there are cultural considerations that come into play, and I find myself unable to make judgment calls for women in potentially dangerous situations. For instance, in some parts of the world the mother-in-law will go so far as to look at the sheets on the wedding night to make sure there was blood. (Which is actually a lousy indication of virginity as it turns out since not every woman bleeds.) The point remains, that if she doesn’t bleed then her marriage is likely to be annulled and her life could even be at stake.
Anyways, this whole situation got me thinking about the dichotomy modern women face – because for so long a premium was placed on virginity that I think that ideal still haunts many women. The desire to fit the fantasy then leads to fudging on the # of partners, or even claiming purity that doesn’t exist.
In high school and college I saw this play out time & time again – female friends of mine made a big fuss out of keeping their sex life under wraps so they wouldn’t be branded a bad girl. At the end of the day, my feeling is if you have to hide it than you probably shouldn’t be doing it, because shame + guilt are not supposed to be part of the package.
The first step to being accepted by others, is to accept yourself. When you find that peace you won’t settle for anything less than someone who will love you – the real you.
If you knew a friend was being dishonest, what would be your response? (Mine has been to tell her I think she should just be honest – but I won’t make that decision for her by telling him).
Nagashidio: [via YouTube] I think sometimes we have to experience a situation to understand our mistake.Telling her fiance the truth or trying to change her mind maybe wouldn’t be a solution at all.Most of the times we are way too selfish to see the good will behind an advice and too weak to be truthful to ourselves.You should let her do what she thinks to be best.Someday her decision may make her a better person.After all she can have her reasons.We’re not the once to draw the line between wrong and right.Theory is easy4 weeks ago
tricey4chris: [via YouTube] stay out of it girl thats between them in less u want him then go 4 it tell it all lol but that means shes not ur friend4 weeks ago
TheCynicalEye: [via YouTube] 0:55 – 1:07 — Don’t tell me that you’re trying, even if just a little bit, to rationalize your friend’s lie by pointing to the supposed existence of the “1950s model.” Way to play the gender card.4 weeks ago
MarzioBalducci82: [via YouTube] To marry a not virgin girl is like to marry a prostitute . She gave the BEST of herself to another, of course she s going to live with a sense of guilt, that marriage is a FRAUD4 weeks ago
MissLesaLynn: [via YouTube] The fact that your friend is lying to her finace is way worse than her not being a virgin! Trust in a marriage is just as important as love, in my opinion.
If she doesn’t feel comfortable telling him the truth, than why does she want to spend the rest of her life with someone who she feels she can’t be her true self around? It’s a big deal only because if she lies about silly little things like this, it shows that she probably wont be truthful about other things, bigger things.4 weeks ago
astro104: [via YouTube] You do realize that there is a way for guys to tell whether or not she is virgin right? He will find out the first time.4 weeks ago
Cigarrock: [via YouTube] I hope that the secret is found out in this video.4 weeks ago
Elizabeth McDonald: Dear Esther,
Often times we are in situations with friends who cause a lot of drama in our lives. Not only our lives, but their own lives. It is how they live, they feed off of this drama and this is what makes them feel alive. Unlitmately, it is their drama and not yours. You are walking into a trap if you think you can save this guy by telling him the truth. You will not only lose a friend, but you will also potentially cause them both a great deal of pain. Is that what you really want to do? It is their lives, not yours, you have your own life to live. Step out of the situation and really look at it. He probably really loves her and ultimately if he knew the truth it wouldn’t matter anyways, especially in this day and age. Now, if it is going to cause her danger, ie…she is going to be killed by his family if she isn’t a virgin, then I would say something because ultimately you would be saving her life. But what if, she had a religious experience and she made the decision that she wasn’t going to be involved with a man again until she was married, well…that is admirable. You could voice your concerns to your friend, that would be the most that you should do, other then that, let them live their lives and be happy. You found the love of your life, let others do the same and be happy. Then one day years after they are married and the truth comes out…it will be her truth to tell and then she will have the conscequences to deal with. Being a good friend means being there for your friends even when they are making a dumb mistake. It isn’t judging them for what they do or don’t do. Blessings to you !!! Liz4 weeks ago
dinkyface: [via YouTube] Hmm, so I guess she also lied to him when they discussed getting tested for STDs and HIV? That’s disturbing….4 weeks ago
theOvin: [via YouTube] What if she has an STD? Many women have them and don’t know. That would make for a very interesting post honeymoon.
Also, if they weren’t having sex simply because she said she was a virgin and wanted to wait. That could make him angry.4 weeks ago
sh61288: [via YouTube] I think it’s’very possible she was lying about having sex at the time she did. She could actually be a virgin.4 weeks ago
Beth Crawford: I have honestly never thought about it this way, because in my experiences with friends and coworkers, things are the opposite: it’s more a source of pride to NOT be a virgin and have experience, rather than be a virgin. People that are virgins lie and say they aren’t. It’s tough for me sometimes to tell people that I am one, because while they give me the whole “I respect your decision” bit, they also talk to me as though I am a child: “Well, YOU wouldn’t understand this conversation, Beth, maybe when you grow up a bit.” And I’m not making that last sentence up, because I’ve heard it and it can be very hurtful. I’ve purposefully chosen to not have sex before marriage; this isn’t a matter of fear of sex or the lack of a possible partner. I’m proud of my decision, it’s insanely hard to stick to sometimes, but I don’t regret it one bit.
I agree with you, Esther. Honesty is always the best thing, because whether you’re lying about not being a virgin or lying about being one, the truth does come out and while it’s hard for your significant other to hear it at first maybe, it’s always the right decision to be honest.4 weeks ago
russwelday: [via YouTube] Unless she lost her virginity cheating on him her (ind)descretion is a small matter. She should tell him but YOU should not. It is none of your business. Love your videos.4 weeks ago
KingArcbound: [via YouTube] The possibility of him seeing this would probably not be bad news to Esther… She may not want to tell him directly in order to keep her loyalties to her friend… But if her friend knows Esther well enough to know about her video blog, she probably shouldn’t have provided such shady information to Esther.4 weeks ago
chikotube: [via YouTube] how do you expect your friend’s fiancée to NOT see this???4 weeks ago
KingArcbound: [via YouTube] Esther, I have been in your position numerous times. I think that not saying anything is taking the easy way out. Put yourself in the eyes of a neutral observer: A man is about to marry a woman, and have sex with her based on misinformation. You need to ask yourself: Would he make such a big decision if he knew the truth?
I have had to be the “bad guy” many times. Because of this, I can look myself in the mirror, and sleep. I encourage you to do what you think is right. (Whatever that may be)4 weeks ago
ambularofamber: [via YouTube] Unfortunately I think there are only 2 options..telling this girl’s fiancee and risk losing a friend, or just thank god for the honesty/trust in your own relationship and share it with your husband…and discuss it together…??4 weeks ago
oddreyrose: [via YouTube] Seriously, be the bad guy. This girl is about to make a huge mistake. Because yes, the truth has a way of coming out, and it way forever damage her marriage. BIG, but avoidable, mistake. Her husband might be angry at first, but in the long run will trust her. HELLO! Knock some sense into this girl!!!4 weeks ago