Many of you noticed and left sweet comments on Facebook or Twitter about my new photo. I’d been bugging Nick for weeks about snapping a photo I could use as an avatar for all my online profiles and we finally got around to making it happen.
Last summer we painted a section of our dingy, dark basement green and blue so we could have a ready-made backdrop for photos + videos, since we’re a media-saturated household… so after Jude fell asleep the other night we crept downstairs and had ourselves a mini photoshoot. And it was fun! 
Thumbing through the photos I kept thinking “wow, that girl looks pretty” or “that’s a beautiful photo”, but I struggle to say it in the first-person… to say, “I am pretty” – it’s not the photo that is beautiful, it’s me.
I’ve had this problem for years. I’ll look at an old photo and wish I looked like that and wonder how I didn’t feel attractive at the time. Why can’t I feel attractive in the moment?
Slowly but surely it’s starting to happen and it’s an amazing feeling.
I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with the brainwashing Nick has been working on since we met in 2005. He has always had this wonderful ability of being insanely in love with all of me (fat + skinny + pregnant + make-up-less + too much make-up + fashionable + homely looking + naked). And trust me, that last one ::naked:: still makes me shudder a bit.
The great news is that I am getting over it. Getting over myself. My irrational “can’t be beautiful unless [insert unattainable goal]” nonsense.
Jude has also helped change my perception. He’s teaching me to see beauty in everything, even silly things that I used to miss or take for granted. Washing machines. Cheerios. Monkey footsies. Chubby cheeks. Walking. Bathtime. Peekaboo.
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Outtakes are always the best part of a photoshoot. And FYI, yes, I really look like I’m about to eat your face off when I’m laughing… that’s how you know it’s a real full-belly laugh. :)
rachel: Beautiful girl.
Have you SEEN the pics of me laughing from the Blissdom stream? I look like a braying donkey, or someone about to eat your head off ;-) eith er one ;-) ;-)
YOU are adorable and beautiful and watching you speak at the Wisdom Workshop, you’ve inspired me.
pardon me if I flood your inbox.
you’re awesome, darling, inspiring and you should realize that the photo captures you. That beautiful girl is you, don’t be ashamed to stare… be proud that you want to stare.28 weeks ago
Beth Crawford: I know what you mean by the “brainwashing” that your significant other does! Brian has never stopped telling me for almost 3 years that he thinks I’m beautiful and that he’ll never change that feeling no matter what, and every once in a while, I feel myself starting to believe him. I’m so glad that Nick has never stopped telling you that, because you are a beautiful person, inside and out, Esther, and I am so happy to be your sister-in-law :)30 weeks ago
Kath: GORGEOUS photos of you!30 weeks ago
Lisa: I am always shocked when beautiful women can’t see it in themselves. You look gorgeous.30 weeks ago
Laura: These are great pictures, it’s hard to feel great in a body you don’t want but its so important to ensure you always love yourself30 weeks ago
Laura: I noticed the new Avatar on Twitter & you look stunning.
I’m glad your slowly starting to feel great, I’m not there yet but I’m getting closer30 weeks ago
Haley: You really are so beautiful…it’s good to know that you are feeling it yourself too. :-)
I hope you have a blast at Blissdom…not going to lie…I wish I was going with you.
There’s always next year.30 weeks ago
Andrew: Ya know, It’s true what they say. You never know what you have till it’s gone. And It’s not just women, I think the exact same way. I look back at pictures of myself a few months ago and think never ever did I once feel confident in my own skin! You look stunning in all of these pictures, Esther!!30 weeks ago
Heather Acton: This is so cute =) Isn’t it funny how hard we women are on ourselves? We should take a cue from our adoring hubbies!
It looks like you guys did have fun at the shoot – GREAT shots!!!30 weeks ago
Michelle@Eatingjourney: I think that this is SUCH an important thing to bring up in. Diane@FittotheFinish just wrote about this.
I think it’s the reason that I gained the 30lbs back that I have. I didn’t believe that the person staring back at my in the pictures existed and/or deserved to be that size. I just didn’t recognise my body and the ‘fat self’ kicked in.
I think it goes back to loving what you body, mind, soul is and has done for you.
Your are not only beautiful outside..but your soul radiates a glow that is infectious and refreshing.30 weeks ago
Craig: Okay, so as the only non-Nick male to comment so far…
1. Great pics, seriously, awesome pics. And you look like you really had fun shooting them.
2. Great post. You’ve really developed a great “voice” over the years of vlogging/blogging/tweeting/whatever else. It’s genuine, and real, sometime raw, and always interesting and provoking at least a “hmmm…” if not an all-out “ah ha!”.
3. I think people who can’t or won’t laugh big and out loud are missing out one of the greatest feelings in life.
You and Nick are great for each other. Keep enjoying it all!30 weeks ago
Nicholas Crawford: Thanks for modeling! =P30 weeks ago
Stephanie Hanes: You ARE beautiful, Esther! By the way, did you have a chance to mail out the Moby wrap yet? I know you’re probably busy keeping an eye on your mobile little guy, so I just thought I’d ask again. Hope you’re doing well!30 weeks ago
Cara: Such beautiful pictures! I used to read your blog long ago and disappeared from technology for a while. You look amazing and your little one is so precious!30 weeks ago
Kim: You are so beautiful Esther! I love these pictures and miss that eating my face off laugh ;) xoxo30 weeks ago
Jenn (Ex Hot Girl): You look gorgeous. <3 (As usual!) And aren't we LUCKY to find the guys who love us all the time?30 weeks ago
rebecca @ durch dick und duenn: you are gorgeous!
and to hear how you feel about yorself amazes me, even though it shouldn’t since I feel the same way about myself.30 weeks ago
Boston Mamas: These are gorgeous photos! I’m glad you’re coming into a peaceful space with yourself.
Also, happy to see you will be at Blissdom and Mom 2.0 — I will be as well and hope to meet you there! -Christine30 weeks ago
carrie: so cute! I like the one you picked, plus the 1st row, 2nd picture… looks like your personality.30 weeks ago