My freshman year of college was the worst year of my life. I was depressed, at times suicidal, and living an isolated existence. It was light years from how I’d envisioned my collegiate experience.
Halfway through the year I quit attending classes altogether.
Suffice it to say I was drained, wallowing in pity with “I’m a failure” stuck on repeat in my head. I had pushed my Dad hard to 
let me move across the country to attend that school, and with cancer wracking his body I was guilt-ridden and embarrassed to return home.
At the time I chose not to tell my family I’d quit because I knew it’d open a can of questions I wasn’t emotionally prepared to answer yet. So I stayed through the second semester and just sat in my room – most of my daily interactions occurring online.
In the midst of my swirling sadness a simple pop-up via Yahoo! Messenger opened up on my computer screen. A seemingly random question, “Are you from Corvallis?”.
I figured it was another guy looking through local profiles – I was used to these kinds of conversations.
His name was Josh and he shared a bit about his story – he’d just moved from Ohio to Corvallis, Oregon with his cousin; he was bored and looking for new friends in town.
I’d done the same kind of thing when I’d moved from Oregon to Indiana for school. Although I was 2,000 miles away it just so happened that he shared a connection to a town nearby – his cousin had attended a university in Valparaiso, Indiana… a place I’d recently visited. That kept the conversation going long enough for us to add each other as friends, which ensured we’d chat again.
Months later when the bottom dropped out and I moved back to Corvallis we were still in contact. By the end of the summer me, Josh and his cousin Zach were hanging out regularly.
That fall when Josh invited me to check out a Christian ministry on campus with him, I reluctantly accepted… it’d only been a year since I had left the uber-conservative church I’d grown up in and was pretty sure I’d never be a regular anywhere again. I wasn’t even sure I believed in God, let alone Christianity.
On the days I thought I might still believe in Something, all I could really manage to say was that I was mad as hell at It for all I’d been through.
But that first night I attended Something happened, I started to cry. From the depths of my soul I pleaded: For help. For guidance. For some damn relief.
I’d kept my anguish to myself, and it was there, surrounded by a handful of strangers that the tears started to fall. They were friendly, but not pushy, and in their midst I felt a much-needed reprieve from the pain.
So, the next week I went back. And then again. And again.
It didn’t happen overnight, but in time, those people saved my life. They walked with me as I dealt with the feelings I’d tried to bury – anger, depression, hopelessness. We had a ‘come as you are’ – no judgments allowed kind of policy, and that freed me to find myself. Those friends became my family through college, Josh included. And the rest of my college years turned out to be fabulously fun, just like I’d originally envisioned – 80’s parties, winter retreats up in the mountains, and lots of hanging out eating pizza and drinking beer (or in my case, wine – because let’s face it: beer tastes like pee).
Our chance encounter on Yahoo! enabled Josh to bring me into a whole new community.
Without that connection I would never have found my tribe. And without those friends, I wouldn’t be the me I know today.
Footnote: Josh (on left) and his cousin Zach (on right) were ushers in our wedding. Nick was a member of the same campus ministry in Wisconsin, and that common link was what initially brought him to my blog and into my life.
The power of connecting online
For more, check out the original inspiration for this series on people I’ve met online who’ve changed + bettered me.
{Links will be added below as the posts go live.}
Part 1: The Great Depression: How I survived college, with a lot of help from Yahoo! Messenger
Part 2: Internet Dating: Meeting my husband through my blog
Part 3: Finding Business Partners Online: Establishing trust through YouTube
Part 4: Mom Bloggers: Sharing heart + passion with other parents
16 Responses to “Surviving depression and college”
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Twitter: EstherCrawford
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May 4th, 2010 at 12:53 am
I had no idea!!! What a fabulous story — with a happy ending !:)
April 1st, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Such an inspiring story! Social media is a powerful thing, isn’t it? I’ve made so many wonderful friends because of it.
Also: Your first line struck a chord with me because my first semester of college was the worst time of my life too. For a variety of reasons. But everything has been uphill since… :)
March 26th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
hey esther, want to know something crazy! my husband is zach’s boss! isn’t it a small world?! we are all connected in some way, it’s awesome…the next time I see zach I’ll have to tell him we have a common friend!
February 25th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Utterly beautiful and honest. And I’m grateful for the current you, and that we’ve connected online and now IRL too.
February 24th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
And with this post I am officially addicted to your blog, Esther. So funny how I feel like I know you so well, though your blog. You are an amazing writer and so genuine. Thank you for sharing all of this with us strangers/acquaintances/friends. =)
February 23rd, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Your story moved me. Not because it was touching and you went through so much, but because I went through the same experience. I begged my father to send me to college and finally when I turned 20, he sent me off. My grandfather died two weeks before school started. I got knocked up in September. I miscarried in early November. My Great Uncle passed away in early November and while at his funeral – my Uncle passed away. Two of the men mentioned were a big part of my life. I was devastated. Over two semesters, I probably attended school 1/4 of the time. I contemplated suicide, cried a lot, and lied to my family about school. I let men take advantage of me… it just wasn’t a great time.
It has been three years since the incident(s) and I have to say that I am still struggling to come back from my mistakes. I dropped out (general physics, calculus, chemistry, and climatology – not exactly easy when you’re depressed) and my parents told me I was a failure and would never amount to anything.
I still struggle with high anxiety, anger, and aggressive mood swings. I am a mess. Though, I have gotten better – if that makes any sense.
Your videos are an inspiration to me and I hope that you have angels in all walks of life.
Thank you.
February 20th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
What an amazing post. I wish I would have read it before I left Houston – i would have given you an extrea hug. I totally agree there are no chance encounters….that’s why we met!
February 17th, 2010 at 12:36 am
Wow, amazing post. thanks for sharing.
very emotional reading this
February 16th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
I truly believe in angels, and that is exactly what Josh and Zach and all the others were to you at that time in your life. I am always grateful when I can realize and embrace these angels.
This is a fantastic post Esther. xo
February 16th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Wow Esther. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about this. It’s such a rarity these days.
I’ve found myself struggling with my faith a lot. I’m still trying to find something that’s right for me.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Thank you Esther for sharing your story with us. I’m glad to hear that you found great friends and they helped you through your depression. Everything happens for a reason and God brought those friends into your life. Support is always needed when things like that come about in life. I went through a year of depression in college too…I can say that God, my roommates and friends really helped me too.
February 16th, 2010 at 8:05 am
Well, that made me cry. I agree with Craig, there are no chance encounters. Thanks for sharing such a really personal part of your life with us. God works in such mysterious ways, doesn’t he?
February 16th, 2010 at 7:14 am
Thank you for sharing this! I also believe I came out of Post Partum depression after having my kids by getting online and starting my blog – I am working on a post Post “Got Partum Depression? Start a Blog!” Creating a space online to meet new people and be creative is just what I needed to feel like me again:) Very excited to be your roomie at Mom 2.0
February 16th, 2010 at 5:00 am
This is a very touching story.
Seriously though, I am in my Sophomore year of college and I am to “that” point. I want out, I am depressed, I am angry (at myself and others.) It is just SO overwhelming.
Some days I don’t know what to do but I am so thankful for my husband, my few friends here, and of course my blogger buddies.
It’s all about love and support.
:)
Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com
February 16th, 2010 at 4:13 am
Esther, this post made me bawl like a baby. You have come so far in your life. And what amazing connections you’ve made! It warms my heart to hear you so happy.
For months I’ve been trying to work through my relationship, my career, and my life, and have been taking one step forward and a million steps back.
Your post made me realize that I am probably trying to do too much of it on my own. I need help. I deserve help. I’m not overly religious but I feel like somebody brought me to your blog today.
February 16th, 2010 at 4:07 am
There are no chance encounters.
Thank you for sharing.