We are still in limbo regarding Peach.
Monday afternoon we met with her Kindergarten teacher, her special education teacher and her speech pathologist. Walking into the elementary school was surreal – it screamed, “You could soon be the parent of a child who goes HERE.”
We were mostly keeping the meeting to be polite and to hopefully help the next family matched with Peach because all the information provided would be recorded in her file.
But as they each articulated, very clearly, Peach’s path and trajectory we found ourselves becoming hopeful once again that perhaps she is the right match for our family.
She’s exceeded all the goals set in her IEP. She no longer stands out from the crowd as socially awkward. She’s delightful and inquisitive.
She still routinely needs redirection but the overall point is that she has made huge strides and doesn’t seem developmentally delayed, despite the earlier questions that raised the possibility of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
“She’s a determined little girl,” was the consensus.
As we walked out of the meeting we both found ourselves dumbfounded. How can one child be characterized in so many completely opposite ways? One minute she’s bright and witty. The next, she’s potentially profoundly delayed.
The adoption placement worker was at the meeting and afterward we shared our frustration about how we’re beginning to feel schizophrenic. We’re caught on a merry-go-round of yes, no, yes, no.
She’s a delight in school – it’s clear her teachers enjoy her and think she’s got a great future ahead if she’s given the right opportunities. Perhaps at home she’s more challenging because of the unstructured environment, or maybe, her foster mom finds her higher need for attention more overwhelming because she’s got three biological children she’s also carrying for – all as a single mom.
The truth about who Peach is and what she’s like is probably found somewhere in the middle of all of this information, but after a month of uncertainty we just want to arrive at a decision… so, we’re meeting Peach. Hopefully next week.
Our hearts are fully open to either way things go, and we’re both at peace about it.
We want what’s best for our family and what’s best for her.
Things with Peach are essentially at a standstill because everything takes so.much.time.
At 27, I epitomize a Millenial in that I want it all now. I’ve had daily Internet access since I was 13 and have a very can-do attitude so this process of waiting is difficult & stretching. The social workers all seem to work at a snail’s pace.
We’ve agreed to meet with her teachers to learn more about how she compares to an average student because so far we’ve gotten mixed messages from the social worker and foster mom. That meeting is scheduled for a week from Monday.
The adoption worker representing Peach’s case didn’t mean to misinform us – it turns out she got a different story about Peach than we did when talking to the foster mom, who wants to get her the best home. When faced with the proposition that we were willing to move forward with the adoption she wanted to be realistic about what life with Peach is like – which turns out to be much more challenging than we’d initially been told.
We’ve been trying to reserve judgment until an official diagnosis comes in, but with the new information provided, it seems Peach probably has some form of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
We tried to stay optimistic that Peach’s soon-to-be-born-sibling would turn out healthy, but we were informed this week that birth mom didn’t get sober until she was 6 months along… so this little boy, due any day, will likely face even more challenges than Peach. Another heartbreaking revelation.
It’s one thing to mess up your own life but to continue to behave in a way that is sure to fundamentally alter another person’s brain in utero is incomprehensible to me.
When I think about it I flicker back and forth – sadness. anger. sadness. anger.
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At this stage we are just following the process suggested by the folks who do this for a living. After all, this is our first foray into choosing a child and it feels odd.
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Through it all I’m learning a lot about myself as it’s a uniquely humbling experience. I’m continually taking inventory of myself – checking my motivations, aspirations and heart – and weighing them against the facts as they come in.
If Peach is indeed on the FAS spectrum our answer is likely a “no” as it’s a condition that would dramatically alter our lives in a way that we’re just not ready for.
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Despite all the support, there’s a strong undercurrent of skepticism about adopting from foster care and when words like “damaged goods” get thrown around I physically cringe. Most children in foster care are there because of their parents’ behavior – not theirs.
Every person is valuable and it’s a disgrace that in our country so many children continue to go without stable, loving homes. For as much progress as we’ve made our culture has lost sight of the importance of the family unit, and in that way, we’re behind many poorer nations.
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I will now step off my soapbox and go back to waiting.
I’m sitting in bed while Nick sleeps. Wondering. Thinking. Debating.
It seems no amount of sleep can cure the ailment of uncertainty, so instead, I sit here hashing & re-hashing all the pros and cons of two very different life scenarios.
We are at a crossroads. This decision will forever change our lives and right now its weight is suffocating me. Nothing else really matters.
Seeds of doubt have begun to grow as more information has trickled in. Everything swirling around essentially boils down to this one question: Is Peach the child for us?
After months of silence we were so excited to get matched, and yet, the picture that had been painted is changing.
We thought the issues she faced were temporary. Fixable. Sure, there would be lots of therapy and tutors and specialists… but she could become a typical child.
But what if that isn’t the case? Sure, I believe we could handle a child with special needs who will never be ‘normal’ emotionally or mentally… but is that what we want to sign up for?
I have to admit I feel ashamed even saying that outloud because every child, especially Peach, so deserves a family. She needs a family who will love and fight and rally for her – a family that will throw all the resources in the world towards her. And without a doubt, if we said “yes” we would do all of that.
The truth is that while a big part of me wants us to be her family – there’s a piece that isn’t sure anymore.
I have no idea what will happen and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to let her down, but I don’t want us to later regret taking on more than we’d planned. We’ve talked extensively about it and we’re going to reach out to her foster mom for clarification on a few points & then decide if we should meet Peach.
What’s even more difficult is that Peach isn’t the only child involved, and it’s unclear if her soon-to-be-born sibling will have the same issues or not. Having two children with disabilities isn’t what the original dream for our family looked like & so we’ve been searching our hearts and bowing our knees in search of answers.
This summer we had the pleasure of having Anna from Anna Mayer Photography (@AnnaMayerPhoto) in Milwaukee, WI take our family pictures (she also shoots in Los Angeles, San Jose & San Francisco). She made Jude laugh and didn’t mind trekking with us all over the city to find fun locations to shoot & I’d highly recommend her – especially for pictures of kids & families because she so easily put Jude at ease… plus just look at the final product.
All photos courtesy of Anna Mayer Photography’s blog
