Things with Peach are essentially at a standstill because everything takes so.much.time.
At 27, I epitomize a Millenial in that I want it all now. I’ve had daily Internet access since I was 13 and have a very can-do attitude so this process of waiting is difficult & stretching. The social workers all seem to work at a snail’s pace.
We’ve agreed to meet with her teachers to learn more about how she compares to an average student because so far we’ve gotten mixed messages from the social worker and foster mom. That meeting is scheduled for a week from Monday.
The adoption worker representing Peach’s case didn’t mean to misinform us – it turns out she got a different story about Peach than we did when talking to the foster mom, who wants to get her the best home. When faced with the proposition that we were willing to move forward with the adoption she wanted to be realistic about what life with Peach is like – which turns out to be much more challenging than we’d initially been told.
We’ve been trying to reserve judgment until an official diagnosis comes in, but with the new information provided, it seems Peach probably has some form of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
We tried to stay optimistic that Peach’s soon-to-be-born-sibling would turn out healthy, but we were informed this week that birth mom didn’t get sober until she was 6 months along… so this little boy, due any day, will likely face even more challenges than Peach. Another heartbreaking revelation.
It’s one thing to mess up your own life but to continue to behave in a way that is sure to fundamentally alter another person’s brain in utero is incomprehensible to me.
When I think about it I flicker back and forth – sadness. anger. sadness. anger.
—
At this stage we are just following the process suggested by the folks who do this for a living. After all, this is our first foray into choosing a child and it feels odd.
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Through it all I’m learning a lot about myself as it’s a uniquely humbling experience. I’m continually taking inventory of myself – checking my motivations, aspirations and heart – and weighing them against the facts as they come in.
If Peach is indeed on the FAS spectrum our answer is likely a “no” as it’s a condition that would dramatically alter our lives in a way that we’re just not ready for.
—
Despite all the support, there’s a strong undercurrent of skepticism about adopting from foster care and when words like “damaged goods” get thrown around I physically cringe. Most children in foster care are there because of their parents’ behavior – not theirs.
Every person is valuable and it’s a disgrace that in our country so many children continue to go without stable, loving homes. For as much progress as we’ve made our culture has lost sight of the importance of the family unit, and in that way, we’re behind many poorer nations.
—
I will now step off my soapbox and go back to waiting.
9 Responses to “The Waiting Game”
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September 20th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Hello,
You don’t know me but I have been following your blog for some time now and have been praying for your little family!
My husband and I were in your shoes 3 years ago . . . having to decide what special needs we felt able to handle. We ended up adopting a brother and sister sibling group. Our son does have special needs (due to severe physical abuse) but he is such a blessing! Both amazing children and I can’t imagine our life without them in it!
We are now about to adopt a 1yr. old who’s mother is schizophrenic, mentally retarded, homeless and abused drugs. Many others had passed up on our little boy because they were intimidated by what the future may hold for him but at a year old he is thriving and doing beautifully.
We have taken what others think to be “risks” but our family is beautiful and we would not have it any other way! That being said, you do need to know your limits and know what you feel like you can handle as a family. There are certain things my husband and I don’t feel equipped to handle and if we are offered placement of a child with any of those we would likely say “no”. It’s heartbreaking but you have to do whats best for your specific family.
You have to walk the fine line of stepping out on faith if the child offered is one you want to welcome into your family – you can drive yourself crazy with the “what if’s?” but you have to balance that with discernment as well. It’s a tough road . . . I will be praying for you, your family and for Peach.
September 13th, 2010 at 6:16 am
Good luck. This is a huge decision. I support you in your choice, whatever it is.
September 12th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
I’ve always thought drinking during pregnancy is pretty much the most selfish thing a person can do, and I’m so sad to hear this might have happened to Peach.
If it turns out that your family isn’t the right one for Peach, try not to beat yourself up. It’s better to wait for the right match – best for the child(ren) in foster care, best for you and hubby, and best for baby Jude. You can’t help every child, but when the right match is made, you will change the life of your son or daughter (as they’ll change yours). Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family.
September 12th, 2010 at 2:39 am
indeed its the adults fault not the child’s but what do you think is a direct result of the adults behavior? things like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Methadone Withdrawal. Social services removes children born with positive tox screens which got there because of the adults behavior. everyone suffers sadly. So forgive the term “Damaged Goods” its that nobody wants to be accountable and wants to accept a challenge I mean after all if your heart is in the right place then thats what counts, But what if there is no good placement for a sick child? Is it fair for them to be orphans? Catch 22′s never feel good.
September 11th, 2010 at 4:44 am
Oh, I have been thinking so much about you. Praying. I admire you SO much for even being in this place at all, for real. I know you don’t need to be puffed up but really Esther, you and Nick are incredible people. Not just because of this but of many things, and your hearts.
Steph
September 10th, 2010 at 11:30 am
It’s so heartbreaking that parents can cause so much damage to their children. I just don’t get it. Having been told that I’d prematurely gone through menopause at 29 (just as I was getting ready to have children), I’ve spent the last decade asking “why? why? why?” To this day, I don’t have a satisfactory answer. Sometimes things just don’t make sense and it’s perfectly okay to stand on a virtual soapbox and shout about it. Do what you have to do to get through something that no one should have to. Sending you lots of love and patience – Gx
September 10th, 2010 at 9:44 am
Knowing what you are willing to take on, and what you simply are not able to take on at this time is so important. Not everyone would be so open and honest about this!
I will be thinking of you, and praying that you and a child find your forever homes together!
September 10th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Like I said earlier, trust your instincts. It’s exciting and wonderful to be matched with a child preliminarily but that doesn’t always mean the match is right.
Adopting a child with special needs can be remarkably scary. But I promise you, the disruption and level of care required may seem daunting but it is totally worth it. It’s a whole different level of love you will experience. And as difficult as it can sometimes be (and lawd, it can be tough sometimes) the value of having a special needs child in the family far outweighs any thing else.
Listen to your heart and trust yourself. But don’t be afraid of disabilities. Because after the first month, I promise you, they’re not scary anymore. Just a new way of life.
I’m cheering you guys on!!
September 10th, 2010 at 8:12 am
My heart is with you, Esther!! I know how hard waiting can be and can’t imagine how stressful this is right now. I hope to privately adopt one day to avoid such a difficult process but I commend you for adopting through foster care. There are so many “unwanted” children in this world only because of the mistake their parents made…poor helpless kids :(
Wishing you the best of luck as your journey continues on. You will find a child but it is great that you know how important it is to not rush into the first one you are matched with. Kids are forever and I just know you will find the one best suited to be a member of your growing family.
–Charlotte