You are the love of my life.

I am honored to be your wife.

When I was a little girl and dreamed of what an amazing Daddy would look like – the kind of man I wanted to marry – I wasn’t sure of all the attributes to include. Funny, sweet, caring, intelligent, handsome.

You’re all of those and more.

So for Valentine’s Day this year I wanted to give you more than the cologne you missed from Christmas. Here’s my gift from the heart:

lyrics of: “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green

And for a stroll down memory lane… I just came across this Valentine to you from 3 years ago:

Our wedding day.

In fact, when my dad moved us up to Oregon by him when I was nine (it’s a complicated story), one of the first things I asked for was a membership to SuperKids Gymnastics. I’d been bugging my mom for years and would prance around in a leotard but my mom just couldn’t afford it.

I had big dreams. I mean, BIG. Like, Olympics B-I-G.

Alas…. what I found was that the 5 year olds were miles ahead of me and after only a year of weekly group lessons I quit and focused on sports I was more competitive in.

For a very brief time I tried starting again. But when I tried out in 8th grade and they placed me with a bunch of 3rd graders I gave it up for what I thought was the last time.

Until last week, when I found out Turner Hall offers adult gymnastics classes. *insert hallelujah chorus*

Okay… so clearly I’ll never be competitive in any sense of the word but I really love the feeling of flip-flopping around on cushy mats and attempting to fly through the air on the bars. And, although it’ll be awhile before I can even pull myself around a bar without support I am so excited at the possibility of having fun while exercising again.

I was thisclose to letting my fear and self-consciousness keep me from joining, but I didn’t. And if I were in therapy I’m pretty sure they’d call that a breakthrough.

Truthfully, I even surprised myself with what I could do:
A cartwheel, a round-off, a handstand (plus forward roll), a front handspring… and with a bit of assistance I even landed a few backflips.

From now on I will refer to myself as a gymnast. Ohhhh yeah. I can see my inner eight year old beaming with pride.

Sore doesn’t begin to describe how I’ve felt the last couple of days but it’s a great feeling to hurt this much and still want to go back for more. I’d like to believe that with some hard work I could do the splits (!!!) and a few beam tricks (!!!) again.

Thanks to FitMilwaukee and Tracy for inspiring me to push myself and try new things. :)

I was depressed and at an emotional rock bottom over my continued failure. I had tried pills and plans… yet, I kept finding fast food wrappers piling up in the back seat of my car.

So, in desperation I sent her a message asking for some words of wisdom. What she shared was not a quick fix or magical cure, but a story of determination.

I’m not exaggerating at all when I say this: until I saw her photo I didn’t believe I could do it.

She gave me an injection of hope.

Suddenly the impossible was possible. The realization that I could unravel the layers of fat and find my true self was breathtaking.

She has struggled with self-image (like basically every.woman.I.know) but has fought back by exposing herself and finding that happiness is not found in achieving a specific number, but that living healthy and eating mindfully is a choice we can make anew each morning.

In case you can’t tell, I adore Michelle. In many ways I owe so much of my life to her.

Not because she lost a bunch of weight though.

Because she is truly kind.

And I love that she’s a fighter. Who is beautiful. And inspirational. And is on a mission to let women know it’s okay to love your body.

[Oh, and she has a fitness level of 4 out of 5. Kickass I tell ya.]

When I was in Oregon for Christmas we recorded a video:

If you’re looking for some other amazing women on an eating journey check out:
Jenn @ ExHotGirl
Mary @ AMerryLife
Jen @ PriorFatGirl
Carla @ MizFit
Veronica @ Roni’s Weigh
Angela @ OhSheGlows
Julia @ JewliaGoulia

Want more on this topic? Related posts:
The Naked Truth
Weigh-in Weeks 3 & 4

Here’s the rundown:
1. Bellydancing + whirling dervishes (Mawlawi Order – Sufi dancers) مولويه
2. The Giza pyramids
3. Camel riding
4. The Sphinx أبو الهول
5. Faluka ride down the Nile river (or felucca or falooka)
6. Taxi around the city
7. The cave churches to find em
8. The Egyptian Museum
9. The Citadel قلعة صلاح الدين‎ (especially the Mosque of Mohamed Ali)
10. Khan El Khalili souk خان الخليلي‎

Pregnancy really did a number on me… and not just physically. I feel less secure and more critical. And trust me, I was already duking it out with myself on the positive self-talk front before everything got all flippy floppy.

All those damn magazines with celebrities showing off their bikini bodies weeks after bringing a child into the world… I’d like to get a stack and burn ‘em. After 40 weeks of incubating my sweet son and 21 weeks of post-partum weight loss, I am left to work with this:

Those aren’t just words.

Those words frame my feelings, my self-worth, my sex drive. I know I’m strong, and I’ll ‘get there’. But sometimes I need to be frail – to be real.

Maybe someone out there can give me an amen?

It’s as if I have to make peace with my body again. No cardio will ever lift my c-section scar or my stretch marks – they’re my baby battle wounds. But… I will fit in my jeans again. I can do the work to make that happen. And, I will find a way to feel sexy again.

In fact, I’m dangerously close to getting back into one of my favorite pair, a size 6.

Fitting in to a pair of jeans isn’t my only goal… I have much loftier ambitions:

to be nice to myself.

to find happiness at each stage.

to surrender to imperfection.

When you entered the world 21 weeks ago I didn’t have any idea what to expect. Spring was coming to an end, with summer around the corner. I was excited, nervous, and beyond tired of having you in my belly – I wanted you in my arms. You have stretched me (yes, literally… but also figuratively), and in just one summer my heart has burst open.

I frequently worry that our time together will pass too quickly. Just last week you suddenly started rolling from your back to your tummy… and in a fit of fury after your immunization shots I swear you cried out “maaaamaaaaa”. It broke my heart to hear the pain & confusion in your voice, but no worries – I won’t count that as your first word just yet…

You’re on the verge of sitting up by yourself. You love twirling around in your exersaucer. You play. And smile. And oh my gosh, you laugh! It’s absolutely the best sound I’ve ever heard. You’ve just started with solid foods and I’m happy to report that squash was a big hit. (Side note: once I get my act together I’ll quit buying it from the store & will make it in the blender. Promise.)

Here’s the thing… I need you to slow down. I feel like I can’t fully soak it all in because you keep growing + changing every second. If I look away I’ll miss some new milestone.

Thank you for sleeping so well – now that you’re only waking up once a night I’m feeling much better. I love the mornings because of our special snuggle time where you come lay next to me in bed. Your groggy eyes look up at me while nursing. Your fingers play with my hair as you hug my breast and fill your belly. Then come the slow blinks as we nod back off to catch a few more zzZzzz’s before waking up for real.

I know someday too soon these moments will only be memories rather than part of our daily routine.

No matter how tall you get, or how old – in my heart you’ll always be my little pumpkin.

Love,

Mama