“Guess what I get for Christmas?” asked Peach.
Figuring I might get some insight into what toys are on her list I asked, “What?”
“I get to move in with you! I’m going to call you mommy and call Nick daddy,” she said with so much enthusiasm it looked like she might just jump out of her skin.
Under the therapist’s advice to be honest, I felt the lump in my throat rise as I had to figure out what to say – and quickly.
She made up the whole idea of moving in with us at Christmas because she clearly needs a way to process what’s going on. She’s been staying with us from Wednesdays through Sundays, and now desperately wants to live with us – I know because she says it all the time. She cries every time we take her back to her foster family’s house – one time she even asked me, “If you love me, why do you let me go?”
Gut-wrenching.
At this point we’ve formally filed a change-of-placement so we can become her foster family but now we have to wait the mandatory 10 days to allow for her birth mom’s lawyer to contest the move. Which seems a very likely scenario. If that happens, in about a month a judge will decide – and the bureau is confident the move will be granted.
Knowing that we don’t have a specific move-in date, I turned to Peach to try and explain it as best as I could.
“Sweetie, you know we love having you at our house – but we don’t get to make all the decisions about where you live or when you move.”
“Yes, you do! You’re the GROWN-UP,” she responded.
If only it were that simple.
“But I’m not the only grown-up who gets to decide.”
I told her that because she came from her birth mom’s belly, she gets to help make big decisions like this.
While the legal stuff gets sorted out she’s going to be on an extended visit in our house – in large part because she’s so unhappy with any other solution. She loves her foster mom but has emotionally moved to our house.
Since Peach’s birth mom is being given more social services to aid in the reunification, we have to wait an additional six to nine months before the bureau’s legal team will consider setting a new court date for the termination. And that’s entirely based on how responsive she is to the services provided. If she keeps doing as well as she has done throughout the past few months, it’s conceivable that Peach will someday be returned to her. If things in her life fall apart again, then the proceedings for TPR will start back up – but getting another TPR court date could take up to an additional year.
Oy vey.
I know her birth mom is fighting hard because she loves her. I just wish she understood the toll it’s taking on Peach. It’s a lot easier to disappoint a child when you don’t have to deal with the after shocks or the tears.
Sometimes letting go is a sign of love too.
You all know I’m a fangirl when it comes to Weight Watchers – after all, my life completely changed as a result of joining back in 2006.
I went from the 170′s all the way down to 105lbs, and maintained until I got pregnant with baby Jude. Since having him I lost 22lbs on Weight Watchers and right now I’m at 117lbs, about 5lbs up from my ideal weight, but I’m healthy and happy… and I really owe so much of that to Weight Watchers because that’s where I learned how to make better food choices.
And since Weight Watchers just unveiled their biggest innovation since POINTS was introduced 13 years ago, I think it’s definitely worth talking about – especially since I’ve secretly been using the new PointsPlus plan for several months.
In fact, it’s what got me over my frustratingly long and drawn out plateau.
As someone who has had a lot of success using the old POINTS, I have to admit I was a bit nervous when they brought me in and told me everything was changing. After all, I was so comfortable with the old plan… so comfortable I could give you the POINTS value of almost any food.
Which I’ve realized wasn’t always a good thing.
Calculating it all in my head meant it was easy for me to cheat or underestimate or forget to write it down.
Turns out, I had gotten kind of cocky – thinking I had it all figured out…
Switching over to PointsPlus took me a few weeks because I had to really let go of everything I thought I knew. But once I got in the groove – I found myself eating a lot healthier than before. I had to add in more protein and opt out of a lot of the processed snacks I’d been eating because PointsPlus weights protein, carbs, fat and fiber in a totally new formula.
Calories aren’t even a factor anymore (!!!) which sort of blew my mind at first. But what I’ve learned from PointsPlus is that not all calories are created equal.
The new formula is based on the latest nutritional science and it focuses on how a body actually process food, which is why all fresh fruit now have a zero value but most 100 calorie snack packs cost me about 4 PointsPlus.
Because of how the new formula is weighted, natural foods end up being the best bang for my buck. Plus, they keep me fuller for longer.
So, even though I can still eat anything or anywhere I want – the new formula definitely nudges me away from foods with sugar and salt, and more towards items high in protein and fiber.
If you want to try out the new PointsPlus plan, they’ve just unrolled it across their site and in meeting rooms all over the country. The best place to get more info is at weightwatchers.com or on their Facebook page – where they’ll be rewarding fans throughout December with exclusive coupons, games, and holiday themed content.
Peach, the little girl we’re trying to adopt through Wisconsin’s foster care system, is too often underestimated.
She’s high energy and can be difficult to pin down, but she’s smart and I know she’s essentially figured out what’s going on. She knows we’re a new part of her family and even told me this past weekend that she wants to live at our house.
Before she verbalized her love for us and her desire to stay the night, every night, she started changing how she drew her family. First, when asked by a social worker to draw her family she added Jude, TT (her foster mom), TT’s biological babies, and her birth mom.
Just a few days before Thanksgiving I saw a little workbook in her backpack from school and saw the picture she drew… and it completely melted me.
Just like I’m thankful for her – she’s thankful for us.
Time seemed to stand still on Thursday afternoon when we found out our seemingly solid foster adoption plans suddenly evaporated.
I didn’t even get a call from a social worker – it was Peach’s foster mom who broke the news that the Guardian ad Litem and the District Attorney decided they lacked sufficient evidence to move forward with the grounds for termination case that was supposed to happen in two weeks.
Not only did they cancel the court date, but they decided her birth mom should have another 6 – 9 months of time to prove if she can regain custody.
It was a MAJOR blow.
And it completely blindsided us.
We had been told there was a small chance the court would side with the birth mom, but we were never told the lawyers could just dismiss the TPR case entirely.
My head nearly exploded.
WHAT ABOUT THE BEST INTERESTS OF PEACH?!
WHAT ABOUT ALL SHE’S ENDURED?!
HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS TUG OF WAR CAN SHE TAKE?!
We specifically chose to pursue adopting an older child because we didn’t want to get caught in an endless cycle of court battles against a birth mom, and yet, here we are. It’s just the beginning and I can already see that we’re in for a long haul that takes us at least into 2012. Since we don’t have any legal rights to Peach, we’re left with two choices – go away or try to become her foster family for the interim period while they attempt yet another reunification.
After talking to my sister Nancy – an attorney who represents birth parents and foster kids in Oregon – I realized we really truly don’t have any other options. The system is stacked entirely against us. When I asked what she’d do in our situation she said she would, “Go buy a punching bag.”
I pulled myself together and picked Peach up from school. When she got in the car she turned and asked me:
“Are you going to be my new family?”
Oh God.
I couldn’t even breathe, let alone answer her question.
I wanted to start sobbing again and explain how desperately we love and want her… but… I had to bite my tongue.
We stayed up late that night writing an email to the social workers involved in an attempt to express our frustration with the outcome and ongoing commitment to Peach. Even though we didn’t intend on simply being her foster parents we refuse to be another family that makes empty promises and then disappears. So, we’ll take what we can get.
We’re in deep.
I’m not ready to give up if there’s even a small chance that she can still join our family.
If nothing else, this has solidified our resolve and love for Peach.
We’re desperately hoping that the legal team agrees to the change of placement so that we can be her foster family – if that doesn’t happen I’ll need to learn how to live with puffy eyes.
We’re also planning to meet her birth mom for the first time in an effort to start building a relationship with her since we know that’s in the best interest of everyone at this point.
This is not what we wanted but we’re just trying to hold on to each other and believe that we’ll still get a happy ending.
–
I spoke with the assistant District Attorney and she stated they’re all in favor of Peach becoming our foster daughter. They still need to hear from her birth mom’s lawyer, but it looks very positive at this point.
The move-in date may even be able to stay the same.
They want to meet with us in person to make sure we know there aren’t any guarantees but that if this final reunification effort fails, that we’ll be next in line to adopt. And if it succeeds, we’ll be there to provide as much love and support from the sidelines as we can.
A lot has transpired in the past couple of weeks, and not all of it has been good. It’s been a lot of ups and downs, and even though that’s expected with an adoption, it’s still emotionally exhausting.
We thought Peach would be moving in with us on December 10th but since it’s not an open and shut case, we’ve opted to push that back a week. The court will make its decision regarding the termination of parental rights on December 8th, so as long as the court decides to move Peach’s case forward towards adoption, she’ll be moving in on December 17th.
There’s a chance her birth mom could actually have another shot at reunification but it seems slim since they’ve tried that route for over 3 years.
Which is such.a.long.time.
When she had her first overnight she was so excited about staying in her room at our house. She asked if she could stay two nights, or three. Or maybe ten nights, or sixty.
I said, “What about every night?”
She said, “Okay. I’d like that.”
That evening Jude kept pestering her for hugs and kisses. Finally she asked why he kept going back to her for more and so I told her, “It’s because he loves you.”
When he waddled over for another hug and kiss, she smiled and for the first time said she loved him.
Later that night she softly whispered it to me.
“Esther… I love you.”
I can see her conflicted loyalties in motion. I can’t imagine how tough and confusing it is for a 5-year-old to try and sort out the complicated emotions involved in trying to equally love her birth family, foster family, and us. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone – but in turn – she’s the one who is hurting.
I can see her pain just under the surface of laughter.
I can see her trying to sort out what all of the back-and-forth means.
I can see her.
I want to scoop her up and tell her it will all be okay. And, sometimes I do… but I feel like I’m on eggshells because I don’t want to make promises I’m not sure I can keep – if it were my choice I’d love to tell her we want her to live with us, but I have to wait on the legal stuff to go through first.
I know the system underestimates her, but she’s smart and she’s putting the pieces of the puzzle together.
At one point she asked if being with us meant she’d ever see her foster mom again.
“Of course you will, Peach. No matter how many nights you stay with us – she’ll always love you and you’ll always love her. And we’ll make sure you see her.”
I didn’t expect my heart to break so much for her. For us.
So much is at stake and I feel helpless. I have no control over what the court decides next month and yet I fully believe the best outcome is for her to come home with us.
Right now all we can do is hope and pray, and continue to demonstrate our love for her.
Spending a week in Abuja, Nigeria in October was a once-in-a-lifetime experience on many levels – both good and bad. While I can’t ignore the obvious dangers that plague the country, I also feel like I’d be missing the opportunity to share real life lessons I took away from the trip.
Nigeria is an amazingly beautiful country that is severely underdeveloped, which makes it a place far off the typical tourist’s path. It’s a catch-22 because on the one hand the tourism industry desperately needs foreign dollars, yet as a tourist it’s a tough place to navigate.
Thankfully the guys from the Sheraton were incredibly sweet and helpful – they were the reason I felt comfortable leaving the hotel and venturing out of the city after the bomb scare.
1. Never underestimate the power of infrastructure.
Most people (myself included) walk through our lives without noticing all the services that enable us to get educated, pursue careers, and grow a family. I’ve often taken for granted garbage collection, electricity, piping that delivers fresh water and removes waste, safe and driveable roads, reliable transportation networks, fire departments, postal service, access to hospitals, etc.
It’s truly those ‘little’ things that make all the difference – they give us the ability to make choices. They free up our time to pursue other interests. Just the fact that we have clean, fresh water in our homes is an enormous luxury.
Just imagine having to cart home all the water you need to use each day for drinking, cooking and washing.
2. Despite the fear mongering on the news, we live in one of the safest countries in the world.
Our concerns are minimal at best. The odds of war breaking out in our neighborhood, being kidnapped by a militia, or even encountering a check-point where armed men determine your fate are so infinitesimally small that we don’t even have to worry about those things happening.
Sure, there are sick people and unsafe neighborhoods but our concerns about school shootings, terrorist on planes, or the possibility of gang-related atrocities do not impede our daily lives.
Just the fact that we can drive at night without the fear of bandits or kidnappers is amazing.
3. Africans are among the friendliest, most resilient people on the planet.
I can’t even fathom what it’s like to live with constant uncertainty, in extreme and hopeless poverty, governed by people who are selfish and brutal.
The history of Nigeria is heartbreakingly full of war, disease and devastating corruption.
Yet against all odds the peoples’ spirits have not been broken.
There’s a warmth and beauty that is undeniable – they are proof that humanity is overwhelmingly good.
They aren’t just victims.
Nigerians are optimistic overcomers.
They’re innovators and entrepreneurs who work day and night to bring in the few dollars it takes to feed their family and keep gas in the generator.
4. I am damn lucky and better continually help raise others up in my city and around the world.
There’s no rhyme or reason why I was born into this obviously privileged life.
I could just as easily have been born into very different circumstances. But here I am.
I’ve seen too much to be complacent. I need to continually push myself to give more generously of my time, talents, and resources to help those in need… because if I were on the other side of town, or on the other side of the world, I’d hope that I wasn’t so easily forgotten.
Some places I’ve been featured:
I’m A Weight Watchers PointsPlus Success Story
Top 50 Twitter Mom
