Esther Brady Crawford - faintstarlite

At 6:30a I find myself stumbling down the hall, using my sweatshirt’s sleeve to wipe the dried drool from the side of my cheek. Another day has started with Jude’s cry calling to me from within a dream. By the time I’m nearing his room I’m already struggling to recall the adventure I’d been immersed in only moments earlier. Had I been flying again? Or was I falling? I can’t quite remember.

Before pushing the door open I call out in a sing-song voice, “Hey baby, Mommy’s coming… I love you and miss you!”.

As I peek my head in I see he’s already standing, holding on to the crib bars anticipating my arrival. I lean over and swoop him into my arms, pulling him tight against my chest to give the first hug of the day.

With his cheeks still red, he snuggles in to my shoulder and then promptly pulls away – frantically looking around wondering if there’s anything to see – even though it’s still dark enough outside that I’d stumble without the glow of the nightlight.

We head back to my bed where I lay him down next to me so that we’re still touching. He pulls at my shirt and opens his mouth waiting for our special time to begin.

In seconds I feel the familiar force of his latch and he begins coaxing the milk out.

At first his gulps are audible but his rhythm slows down as he settles in to the bed, knowing there’s really no rush.

As his belly fills I sense what feels like a warm stream of water swirling around and through me and I think this is real peace. Authentic serenity.

With his eyes closed his tiny hand reaches out, looking to tap on my skin – a simple yet profound reassurance of my presence.

I can’t help but smile. My heart is so full of love.

_____

I worry that I’ll forget as time passes so I need to share these thoughts because I want to remember to savor them.

I’ve been so lucky to have this amazing routine with baby Jude for almost 3 months, and there’s no doubt that those special moments we share each morning will be some of my most cherished memories of him at this age.

I almost gave up on breastfeeding because it was really difficult for me. I often cried as I went through the motions of pumping and feeding, frustrated that my efforts seemed in vain for so many weeks. Would my milk ever come in enough for him to be satisfied with just me?

It would.

And the incredibly tender and intimate moments breastfeeding has created – the bond it helped cement – was worth it all.

Jude at 8 months, 3 weeks old

I get a lot of messages asking what I eat and so I’m going to post a series specifically about food.

One of the things I’ve realized about myself is that when I’m writing down what I eat it makes me more conscious of what I’m sticking in mouth, and I end up making better choices. After enduring a frustratingly long plateau I decided to go back to basics and focus on religiously tracking my food consumption again. And what I found surprised me – I was over my Points allowance almost every day. So, while I thought I was doing well and blamed my plateau on breastfeeding, the truth was that I was eating a bit more than I should… not enough for me to gain, but too much for me to keep losing.

Getting the day started off on a healthy foot is incredibly important for my success.

As a kid I never ate breakfast. I remember in high school that at some point I was told breakfast was an important component to weight loss so I’d often grab two Pop Tarts for a whopping 440 unfilling calories. I think about that now and go “eeeeeek!”.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made over the last few years is ditching high calorie, low density foods – which make up a lot of the quick breakfast items.

In terms of food I tend to become a creature of habit – having a routine helps me stay on track and feel in control. This is my favorite meal at the moment, which takes about 8 minutes to make…

5 points (<300 calories)

It consists of 1 egg (2pts / 75cal), 2 Boca sausage links (1pt / 70cal), 1 Thomas High Fiber English Muffin (1pt / 100cal) plus no sugar jam (1pt / 40cal). To prevent stick-age I use the Misto Olive Oil Sprayer, one of my most-used wedding presents… thanks brother!

Love this stuff! It actually tastes better than real sausage in my opinion, and has 75% less fat.

My latest breakfast obsession. It's also yummy with peanut butter!

While I eat this combo most mornings – I also rotate in other options so I don’t get bored:

- 1.5c of Special K with Red Berries and 1/2c skim milk (4pts / 220cal)

- 1 Dannon Light & Fit yogurt (2pts / 80cal)

- 2 packets of Quaker Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal Apples & Cinnamon (4pts / 220 cal)

What’s for breakfast in your house?

A few days ago we had to do a Babies R Us run – we needed to add a few bottles to our collection because at eight months old, Jude is eating more and breastfeeding less.

If you’ve ever been to BRU you know they have special parking for pregnant moms, and without thinking, I found myself pulling in to the space…

And then it struck me: Expectant Mothers.

Staring at the cutesy stork I sucked in a big breath. My heart was racing.

Of course no one in the parking lot noticed or cared, but I felt a strong urge – an internal need – to justify my right to park there.

… it’s like I wanted to shout out to the world “My heart is pregnant, even if my belly is not!”

I can’t help but wonder if others consider me an expectant mother. Because I do.

Despite the lack of crazy hormones biological changes, I sense the shift in my spirit – the drawing closer, the anticipation, the worry.

There’s more of an urgency this time around… I simply can’t shake the sense that I am needed now, that my family is separated.

Because we are.

I am forced once again to simply trust – in the process, and in the Divine.

So… to my waiting sweetie pies, mommy is whispering to you: I am eagerly awaiting our union. I am expecting you.

My weight loss journey has been a long road… but being part of this amazing community of people out there struggling (and succeeding) with getting healthy has inspired me to push on when times got tough. The number on the scale isn’t everything – but having that feedback has been critical for me.

My hope is that just as other peoples’ stories have motivated me, that my progress will help carry you.

Below are my weights from 2005 to the present:

Update:
The winner is commenter Seiraine. Thanks to everyone who took the time to post a comment – I was truly blown away by the quality of the responses!

In honor of Lose For Good and as a thanks to all of you for supporting me on my own weight loss journey, I’m giving away a 3 month Weight Watchers membership!

Details:
1. To enter simply leave a comment sharing something about what losing weight & getting healthier means to you.
2. Deadline for entry is midnight on Mon 9/14/09.
3. Winner will be chosen at random & will be contacted via YouTube or email.

Here’s a bit about how the Lose For Good campaign works:

As Weight Watchers members lose weight from August 30th to October 17th, Weight Watchers will donate up to $1 million to Share Our Strength and Action Against Hunger to help feed children and families who need it. Plus, WW meetings all across the country are asking members to participate in local food drives. The idea is that members would bring in a pound of food for every pound of weight they lose each week.

Last year members donated an amazing 1.5 million pounds of food to local food banks through Lose For Good, and Weight Watchers donated $1 million to SOS and AAH.

For Share Our Strength, the money donated gave kids in the US access to healthy foods, including funding after school snacks, summer meal programs and founding community gardens. For Action Against Hunger, the donation meant the difference between life and death of 6,000 malnourished children in places like Africa & Asia.